~What in the Hell?~

Thursday, September 29, 2005

~ Progress ~

Of sorts.

No practice yesterday - the ice was melting. The stupid compressor konked out so I didn't have a lesson. So bogus. Went to Pilates class instead.

After class I went home and messed around on the violin for a bit. I have come to the conclusion that I do not like playing it right handed. It isn't right. So I will play left handed. The hell with getting it re-strung, too. Not like I'm going to be playing in a symphony anyway, huh? Besides, it sort of makes sense being backwards and all. I dunno. That E string is God-awful screechy, tho. I don't like it. Not at all. (That's probably why it's supposed to be on the INSIDE - the deeper notes are probably more forgiving).

Found a few sites that teach you to play using colors and numbers. That is very nice. I didn't realize that the thing had unmarked frets. o-O what's up with that? Fortunately, I can HEAR the different pitches (when it's not screeching). It's kind of neat.

But I'm puzzled as to how some of this stuff is supposed to SOUND. Like there's no "twinkle, twinkle little star" so I know what tempo to play at and if I'm doing it right. If I could play something I KNOW how it's supposed to sound I'd know how BAD I am. Heh! Maybe I don't wanna know! Hehehe!

Drummed for a bit, too. Still trying to figure out the "snap" noise. And I've started messing around a bit with it. Don't think I could "challenge" anyone like some do but at least now I can play with my eyes OPEN and not get messed up. Hey - it's a step in the right direction!

So last night I'm sitting in bed staring at the bookshelf for no real reason and out of the blue Mr. Wicked hands me one of my art books. OK. Look at the pretty pictures and see what he wants. Looking, looking - yes, that's nice.

Suddenly it hits me. I finally know what he wants and how to get from point A to point B. AH! It was like a mental orgasm! AH! Finally! I went to bed with a big smile on my face. I even looked forward to coming in to work today - so I could start writing. LOL!

And I did write! And it was so wonderful! (Of course, it was only the skeleton but once the bones are in place it won't be hard to fill it all in once we sit down again.) He was smirking in the doorway as I left for work this morning. I was half expecting him to show up HERE but he didn't. He knows I've been having a hard time here lately and maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want to add to my agony.

After work I have dinner with a friend. Then when I get home I know he's going to be there, waiting. I'll let him read what I've written so far and see what he thinks. Then tomorrow and Saturday will be mondo writing days, I'm sure.

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 3:35 PM

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

~ It's ALIVE! ~

It makes noise! Yay! I got the violin to make noise today! Wheeeeee! I'm so excited! I didn't break any of the strings. I even tuned it with the little tuning pipe they sent! How cool is THAT? (Except it doesn't have a "D" note . . .? Not quite sure what to make of this.)

It didn't make noise before because I didn't have enough rosin on the bow. Hmmmm. Thank God for the internet. I found everything I needed to know to get it set up to play. Well, enough to make noise at any rate. It took me about an hour and a half to get the bridge in, tune it and start making noise.

Believe me, I screeched enough for one night. I started the scales. I'm going to learn right handed as much as it doesn't seem "right".

I'm left handed and I want to PLAY left handed but I'd have to get the thing re-strung and learn everything pretty much backwards. So we'll go right handed for now. I'll try it both ways - like I do everything - and see which one feels more comfortable.

I ended up drumming left handed and I rather LIKE the left handed violin better but we'll see. (Odd that I play musical instruments left handed and most sports right handed - except tennis. I'm a leftie playing tennis). But it's kinda nice. At least I'm not totally one sided like a lot of people are.

My noise making is done for the evening. I drummed earlier then violined. The neighbors are probably asking, "why, God, why?" LOL!

Tomorrow is practice after work. Then more playing music (making a racket.)

Thursday I'm meeting Linda for dinner - that will be nice. We need to talk. Oh, yes we do.

Now, Mr. Wicked has been tormenting me. He's making me GUESS what he's about. I have a good idea but each time I ask he says "not quite". So I know I'm close I just haven't written to his satisfaction. It's like I know where I'm at and where I want to be but I'm having some problems seeing the path he wants me to take.

Of course, he could do us ALL a favor and just TELL me but no - he wants to torture me. Altho I have to admit he's been a bit "nicer" to me lately. Probably feels sorry for me having to endure all that shit at work.

He does not like that violin, either. He regards it with suspicion and distaste. (I think it's more the pseudo-violinist than the instrument its self - I've seen him eyeing it curiously. If he picks it up and starts playing like YoYoMa I'm going to break it over his gorgeous head, mark my words!)

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 9:34 PM

Sunday, September 25, 2005

~ Assholes ~

As many of you may know, I was part of a gossip messageboard. It would seem that these individuals feel threatened by the fact that I am a member of "other" messageboards that they don't "approve" of.

Yeah - can you believe that? So they decided to delete my account because I've been "naughty" and go "other places". Whatever! *eye roll*

Steve is stuck at the airport. They told him that the hurricane has grounded planes - in Detriot. WTF????? Look, we're quite a bit south of Detriot and it's not windy, raining or anything here. I think the damn thing is broken and they just don't want to fly it.

Didn't get much accomplished today except for the dishes. I probably should throw some laundry in so I have clean socks. I'm going to have a busy week I feel. Lots of things I need to get done. Oh, don't worry - I have a feeling I'll be writing a bit as well.

We've been discussing the options. He's being tight-lipped about it but I have a feeling he's going to spill his guts shortly. He's just waiting for me to get close to the answer before he coughs it up. Another one of his infernal games. Altho I have to admit he's been a bit gentler with me lately. Probably feels sorry for me, all things considered.

Hey - at this point, I don't care! As long as he knocks off the sullen pouting I don't care why!

(2) comments

The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 5:31 PM

Thursday, September 22, 2005

~ Word! ~

Lilibean is back in town and she and I are going to meet for dinner tomorrow. We have many things to discuss. I feel better already.

We talked just for a bit today - she had a meeting so we couldn't talk long - I just gave her the basics of the shit hitting the fan. We'll chew the fat tomorrow after work and that will be good.

We have a stupid idiotic department meeting tomorrow *eye roll*. Why the fuck they continue to torture us with this stupid shit I don't know. And it IS torture. The work just piles up while they have stupid pointless meetings. Why? I don't need to hear their stupid rah-rah shit. It's a bunch of sound and fury signifying NADA. Nothing happens, nothing changes and nothing is accomplished. It's just a waste of time. I'll take my notebook just in case someone pays me a visit.

I think he's finally gotten over me running off on vacation. Sort of. Not completely but at least he's skulking around now. And he keeps showing me this picture of him - what's up with that I wonder? It's a new one from the one he USED to have. Ah, well.

So there's another hurricane in the Gulf. I don't think this one will be as bad human wise. Property wise oh yeah. But most people have been smart enough to leave and they finally have buses for those who WANT to leave and don't have any transport.

The scary thing is we've got like two more months of hurricane season! Yikes!

I'm still thinking on some things. It's sort of hard to see your own habits and patterns when you're so close to them, you know? It's like if I could find the WORD for it I would feel a lot better and at least know where to start. (Sort of like being hungry for something and not knowing what it is). But I just can't seem to grasp exactly WHAT it is. I can describe it but the proper word/name for it is eluding me.

My fingers are getting stronger and they don't hurt as much after I drum now which is good. I've learned a couple of new rhythms. I *think* I'm getting better. It SOUNDS better to me, anyway. Maybe because I'm used to it. Who knows?

Maybe Lilibean will have me record some backbeat for her. That'd be cool, huh? LOL! (I don't know any "western" rhythms, tho. Only middle eastern stuff so we'd have to work from that).

Yeah - sorry, Orlando. I'm hitting the recording studio. Keep the bed warm me, tho, won't you? Image hosted by Photobucket.comImage hosted by Photobucket.com LOL!!!

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 8:32 PM

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

~ More Work BS ~

What is it that bothers me?

Why is it that every job I've had I feel like I've been thrown in and expected to sink or swim? There has been no help and high accountability.

Frustrating, angry, sad, scared, resenting. How can companies expect their employees to produce if they don't train them? I'm tired of taking jobs where I'm expected to "just know" what the fuck is going on after working there for two weeks.

Hey, if I wanted to use my psychic powers I certainly wouldn't waste it on THIS place, dig? I'd set up my own internet site and make a shitload of $$$. Hello!

I've gotten better training at fast food places than I have at my current company. Which is sad considering who I work for and how they tout themselves. Don't you believe the shit they're selling.

It seems like so many places are just wanting to get more done faster with less people. Why? Doesn't it seem to follow that if people don't know what the hell they are doing they are going to make some serious mistakes and cause even more setbacks? I guess they don't think of those things - or figure it can be "fixed" before any serious damage happens. Like that's the smart way to run a business.

There's never time to do it right but there's always time to do it over.

And these sniveling idiots who think that I can make up for their lost time. Uh, no. First of all, why should *I* be punished for your fuck ups? You screwed up - you fix it. But it doesn't happen that way. They fuck off and fuck up and expect me to pull their feet from the fire. And if I refuse then I'm being "uncooperative". No, maybe I'm just expecting people to take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions. Fancy that concept!

Change of direction - I'm wondering if somehow you subconsciously remember bad things and relive them (or the feelings of the) at the same time every year. For example - many years ago something bad happened to me in September. I don't talk about it (never have and I don't want to) and I wonder if maybe that might be part of an underlying "bad feeling".

I don't know. But I wonder.

I had to take 1/2 day off work today because I've been on the verge of tears all day. Why I'm not completely certain. I think part of it is due to anxiety over my job. Part of it is probably hormonal (it's my time of the month) and part of it might be that "bad" thing coming back to haunt me. (But I'm not so sure about that).

All I am certain of is I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit. I'm not your whipping bitch that you can just force to "do" things for you because the person responsible won't. I'm tired of "rescuing" fucking morons at the last minute because they don't have enough sense to learn from their past. I'm sick and tired of living in constant "crisis" mode all of the time because you fucktards don't know the first thing about planning. Or really don't care to plan because they know we will "save" them.

Now if these idiots actually had to SUFFER the consequences of their idiocy then I wouldn't care. As much, anyway. But when *I* have to suffer because of someone else's idiocy and then watch them get the credit for it - is it any wonder I'm indignant as hell?

As an aside - I'm looking here and I'm finally down to 6 projects. Finally. Sadly it is a relief! I'm down to the number of projects everyone else had in the first place and it feels like a relief!!! That's fucked up, people. No two ways about it.

So today I've been wallowing in self-pity. I don't do it often but when I do - man! Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself and unappreciated. After two years of this bullshit I've had it. I've had all I can stands and I can't stands no more!

When I talked to A about her job (because I was thinking of going into the same thing) she was like "oh, they won't let you go - you know too much". When I told her they were trying to get rid of me, she was like "well, that's stupid. You're the senior person with all the experience." Yeah, well, they don't care about that. They only care to make nice and not tell idiots they are idiots and expect them to do their jobs.

A said that it would be a very good thing to get out of what I'm doing now because she knows they treat us like shit. She said it was better where she was but she also pointed out that she had her boss' support that WE do NOT.

When she left she said, "oh, I'm so happy for you to be getting out of here. You guys deserve better than this."” And I nearly burst into tears. Sad, isn’t it?

No one thanks us for busting our asses on a daily basis. For making miracles on a daily basis. They take everything we do for granted until we fuck up. Then they want to get ugly. The only time you get any attention is when you fuck up. What sort of message does THAT send?

And if you make a mistake because you simply weren't AWARE of something (due to THEIR lack of training/communication) it's considered a shortcoming on YOUR part. "You should have KNOWN that you needed training for this." How the fuck am I supposed to know what it is I don't know?

After two years I still feel like I'm floundering. There's no help. There's no support. If I ask for help I don't get it or I'm told to "come back later - I'm busy". WTF??

I'm tired of people dumping their shit on me and expecting ME to fix it. It's not my job to put this shit into the system. If it isn't in the system then I'm not shipping it. Deal.

It's not my job to make sure other people do THEIR jobs. It's THEIR manager's responsibility. NOT MINE. If it is going to become my responsibility then I want their damned pay.

If you have a problem with someone else's work/report do NOT come to me and think I can "fix" it or even know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm in department X. Not Y, not 1234, not department bob. If you have a problem with individuals in those OTHER departments not doing their work, I would suggest you go take it up with THEM instead of telling ME to do your dirty work. You're a manager. YOU get paid to deal with them. I do not.

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 6:38 PM

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

~ Some Thoughts on Some Things ~

It's been a while since my last post and a lot of things have happened. First, I got my ass chewed by my dewless boss because I tell people THE TRUTH and they can't handle the truth. Apparently this makes me a bitch. Telling someone they are a fucking idiot is apparently not wise - even if it IS true and everyone in the entire company knows it.

I told her that I'm sick of the abuse I've had to put up with and she's like "abuse? What? You just take things too personally." Uh, yeah. When some fucking manager sends me a nasty-gram and says he's going to "crush" me I take GREAT OFFENSE at this. Oh, don't worry. I've saved the email at home. It just might come in handy one day. When I sent it to her she was just dismissive of it. The same way she is about everything else. I told her "didn't you read all of those emails you asked me to send you?" Uh, no. "There were too many". Yeah. We get those fucking idiotic requests ALL THE TIME - that's why there are so many.

Geez, woman, don't tell me to do something then get mad when I do it because you don't like the result.

She doesn't give a shit about us - she just wants to look good. I had 11 fucking projects. The next nearest person has 6. Yeah. And she wants to know why I'm stressed and snapping people's heads off. Uh, maybe YOU gave me too much work. And when I told you it was too much you just told me to "deal with it" because it needed done and no one else could do it in the short amount of time you gave me.

Then she asks me if I've considered taking another job. I'm like "yeah, for the past 2.5 years since I started working here. This job is HELL. Everyone treats you like shit and yet WE are the ones who make the money and keep this company in business."

But she doesn't want to hear that. From any of us. We should all be happy happy joy joy about being shit on and other's taking credit for our work. Riiiiiight. Let me try that a few times with YOU and we'll see how that flies. HA!

It just amazes me. This place is so fucked up. They don't care about actually DOING anything - all they care about is sucking up, writing stupid memos and reports on someone ELSE'S work!!! WTF is up with THAT?? They'd rather have some dumb ass who does nothing but write memos than someone who actually produces. Well, whatever. Soon there won't be anyone left who gives a shit. It will all be just half-assed report writers ('cause half of the douche bags can't write worth a fuck, either.)

And, no, Steve, I don't want your comment on it. I KNOW what you think. I'm ranting. Leave me alone!

I talked to one of the other girls today about her job (I was thinking for applying for something similar to what she's doing). We had a nice long talk about the do-lesses around here. She said that no one gets properly trained. They just hire you and throw you in a job and expect you to bumble around until you fuck up majorly or figure out what the hell you're doing.

Now is that any way to run a company? That's about asking for trouble. Then when it hits they're all like "oh, I didn't KNOW you weren't trained." WTF???? How can you NOT know? You think I"m in your office asking for help every damn day because I LIKE you? Bitch, please.

Apparently when *I* go in and say I need help, it's bitching. But when other people do it, they really need help. Ok. Whatever. It was funny to hear the very next day in a meeting that everyone - every single person in that room start bitching about the stupid shit we've had to deal with and I didn't say one fucking word.

Yeah. I just sat there grinning all smug like and shaking my head. The boss was pissed. But I didn't say anything. So she can use me as the scapegoat and say *I* am the one bitching and complaining and causing all of the problems but she cannot deny that what I bitch about is universal. I know several other people have been told the same thing by her.

Apparently she wants us all to play "nice" with the idiots. Uh, no. If they need help or training, fine. I'll help. But I am not doing their fucking jobs because they don't understand and "they" need to get this project out on time. Someone should have addressed that issue long before now.

I'm sick and tired of pulling these idiots' feet out of the fire only to have them jump right back in again. "Burn the fuck up" I say. But I guess that's too realistic and honest for some people to handle.

My only joys have been out of this layer of hell. Drumming, skating, dancing. I bought a used violin on ebay. I've always wanted to play one and I just figured "what the hell?" It was only $30 so I'm going to try it. Buy a book or a DVD and see what sort of hideous screeching noises I can make.

The drumming is actually getting better. Last night I played and it sounded like I had more than two hands!! Yay! That's been my goal - to play so it sounds like I have FOUR hands instead of two. I don't think I'll ever to get that point but still. It's fun to practice.

Lately I've just been too tired to skate. I think it's the change in the weather. That always bums me out. I hate the cold. Ugh. I get cabin fever really easily - I love to be outside. I can't stand being cooped up in a building all the time - even if it IS my own place. I'd just as soon live in my yurt out in the woods somewhere. But then I'd probably freeze my ass off. Oh, well.

So there's been a lot on my mind. And a lot more that I don't really care to divulge at the moment because I'm still thinking about it. Trying to figure out what, exactly is going on.

Been kicking around the idea of heading to New Orleans for a week. I hear they are in desperate need of strippers. Hey, if they're desperate then they don't care how fat my butt is, right? LOL! They'll take what they can get! hahahaha!

I told my uncle the two of us should pack up and head down there. They will be needing their soothsayers, card readers, street musicians and strippers for the cops and military that's down there. We could make some serious $$$ (I'd like to think, anyway!). Who knows? Maybe we'll like it and decide to stay. HA!

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 3:39 PM

Monday, September 12, 2005

~ Sailor Jerry is Dead . . . ~

The wrath of the Unholy Grail finally caught up to him! He put up a valiant fight on Friday night and clung to the last thread of life until Saturday eve when he was finally put out of his misery. Being the sadistic fiends we are, we celebrated mightily by dancing on his corpse and drumming long into the night.

Rising from D's cooler on Saturday to avenge Jerrys death came Captain Morgan but we were prepared and his death was even more swift. So swift in fact, that many were unaware of his pathetic attempt at revenge.

Ah, well. We tried to warn that nautical bastard that he caught us off guard once - we would not be caught unawares again. But he was foolish and refused to listen so he is also dead. His stinking corpse was hurled into the fire pit and again we danced and drummed with much delight at his demise. I have a feeling he still hasn't learned his lesson, tho. Each time he attacks our peace-loving barony he shall be fought off and cast into emptiness. Let that be a warning to him!

Of course, there were those who could not hold their liquor and hobo'd for 6 hours in a chair as the rest of us took photos of him (for being a dumb ass). It was PASSED OUT - not "sleeping". Remember, if you're head hits the pillow, it's SLEEPING. No pillow = passed out. There was no pillow involved in this particular case.

This moron shows up BEFORE DARK and he's already too lit to stand. He proceeds to bogart Thurston's chair then pass out. He was such a twit for the 20 minutes he WAS conscious that we couldn't resist snapping photos of him once he was passed out. Oh, don't worry - I will certainly post the one I have. Heh.

Apparently he decided to take his drunken revenge upon my innocent tent by attacking it at 4am when he finally regained consciousness after passing out in the woods. (Sometime around 2am he must have stumbled into the woods to relieve himself and passed out again. When he came to, he began stumbling around trying to find his tent and attacked MINE instead). Needless to say, it pissed me the hell off and I had to get up (in the freezing cold, mind you) to throw his drunken ass out of camp.

This was Erol's take on it (I woke up several people yelling at this idiot). "Yeah, I thought it was a dream until I heard your voice. I peeked out my door and saw you and the look on your face yelling at him and I was like, 'oh, I pity the fool!'"

Thurston's take "I didn't know who that was yelling. I've never heard that tone of voice from you before - I didn't recognize it as you. I've heard laughing sober and laughing drunk but I've never heard that voice. I don't think I want to hear it again."

The most amusing part of this was on Saturday when I went shopping and wandering around, I had several people stop me who WERE NOT EVEN in the campsite ask me about the incident. I'm like "huh? Who told YOU?" Not even 12 hours had elapsed between the attack on my tent and everyone knowing about it. Talk about swift communications!

Saturday night was the hafla at the camp next to ours. We got fed and the drums came out. I didn't get to drum as much as I wanted. I was kidnapped and forced to comsume large amounts of beer in a cabin. The horror! But I DID get to sing on the walk home. Eventually, I did pull the drum out. There were only a few stragglers sitting around one of the campfires so I wandered over and drummed for a bit. It put several of them to sleep.

It's funny - the first night of Pennsic most people can't sleep because of the drums going at all hours but then you get used to them and can't sleep without them. When you go home after Pennsic, it's so quiet with no drums that you can't sleep.

So me sitting around just drumming the 4 rhythms I know by heart was soothing to many and they fell asleep. One or two were even hobo-ing by the fire. I had to drum with my eyes closed because if I see my hands or anyone dancing/watching me I get all flustered and forget what I'm doing. Sad. But I'm getting better.

On Friday we had three drums at our impromptu gathering. One was a professional. The guy using my drum this was his first event and he just wanted to try it. I used Tasha's drum and she danced. I couldn't keep up with the pro so I did what my teach told me - played the embellishments over the rhythm. It wasn't too awful bad because the pro was impressed (or so he said). The new guy was like "oh, this is the best time ever!"

It's really amazing how happy a $40 dollar drum can make people. It IS fun. And anyone can play it. There are only three notes. Dum, tek, ka. Two hands, three notes. EASY!

Last year at Pennsic the barony had such a good time with the two drums in camp - we played and let other people play. Danny picked it right up the bastard! He plays bass guitar and listened for a while and was like "hey, that's just like playing bass" grabbed a drum and started playing. I wanted to smack him. It took me like 3 classes before I felt comfortable enough to play and rely on my memory. He just picked it up and started playing. It IS fun.

Especially at events. If you start drumming someone will answer with another drum. Sometimes another instrument will answer. Once you find each other and start playing together the dancers will come. It's some sort of primitive communication I think. The drums call to each other and call everyone to them. Then the party is ON!

Saturday at the hafla someone brought a violin. That was just so cool! He was playing some gypsy music. So very cool to hear those notes drifting out over the fire pit and up into the starlit sky as the bats swirled around overhead. Very gothic.

My fingers are a little stiff today from all the drumming. I discovered how to make the "pop" noise on the drum this weekend. Very cool. But it stings the fingers. Probably because I don't have the muscle/callouses built up on them yet. But that's ok. I don't need to be making the "pop" noise anytime soon. I'm content to just put down the beat and let others embellish and do whatever over it. As long as I keep my eyes closed I'll be fine.

Back on the ice now, too, with the new season. Landed several axels - two footed but they are fully rotated. I need to go on vacation more often because I drop all of my bad habits.

I think my conscious mind "forgets" how to skate but my body remembers. So when I can't/don't think about what I'm doing it's a lot easier and I don't fall into my bad habits. Hmmmmm. Too bad I can't SKATE with my eyes closed. I think I'd probably do a lot better.

Hateful asked me this morning - quite snidely - "are you finished playing around?"

I laughed guiltily. "It is time to get back to work" he informed me haughtily. I just giggled at him. He's just mad because HE can't play the drum or skate. So there!

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 8:48 AM

Thursday, September 08, 2005

~ It's Thursday ~

And I'm hungry.

What I'm listening to - water running in the sink and the AC fan.
Mood - goofy & sore

Why am I hungry? I should be hungry NEXT week, not THIS week. Stupid hormones don't even know what they're supposed to be doing.

Yesterday was my first lesson after my month hiatus from skating. I really should take a month off more often. My mind forgets and my body remembers and I skate very very well - I don't have to THINK about anything - I can just DO it.

My Axel is so on - it's very nice now. There at the end of the session, I was really rotating splendidly and not doing the two-foot thing like was my habit. I probably should have tried some double sals but the Z came out and chased us away. Probably a good thing, tho. My azz is sore today. And my hip flexors are "tired".

But my pro says I'm the best spinner she has - I'm fast and tight and I finish my spins (push all the way down and then out). I love to spin. I didn't try a flying camel yesterday. I sort of "forgot". Ooops! Oh, well.

Today is packing the car again and tomorrow is more camping. Yay! But boo for it being sort of the "last one" of the season. :-(

My new wall hanging from Cairo came in. I have to pick it up today or tomorrow. My drum is all cleaned and ready to go with my zills in the pocket. I've started packing. The weather should be nice - cool but nice. And I'm sure the stories of my antics at Pennsic will have grown enormously - I will just laugh and neither confirm nor deny anything.

Unless it's like BLATENTLY ignorant and stupid or repulsive to me. Heeeee! But, like one of the girls said before "nobody gossips about YOU! We all KNOW your business. You don't make it a secret." I didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered. o-O

Last night I wanted to go to bed early and it didn't happen. I ended up staying up and reading Ovid in hopes of finding some inspiration for my own writings. It helped. I found it on line today in the original Latin. LOL! THAT is just WRONG. Amusing but WRONG. The English translation sounds so much better. I just find reading "Amores" in Latin to be funny and not sexy.

In case you get ambitious or need some amusement that's work safe. Not like anyone's going to be able to read it over your shoulder, now, are they? Heh!

There is a covert operation underway here to get some personal hygiene and cleaning supplies to the hurricane victims in Mississippi. Can't say much about it because the lady is collecting donations on company property and the company would have a shit fit if they found out. They're hung up on their bureaucracy. God forbid that she should "break the rules" and help someone in need! The horror!

As Dr. McCoy so eloquently put it in one of the Star Trek movies, "the bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe."

Yeah, and that mentality has done more harm than good. She's going to Mississippi this weekend to deliver everything she can carry in her vehicle so we are quietly slipping off to Kmart and Target for a "long lunch" to get supplies for her.

That makes me feel a little bit better. And they are going to be collecting supplies at the campsite as well. I've donated $$ to Habitat for Humanity and America's Second Harvest Foodbank but still - buying a mop and putting it on a truck is a more tangible thing. If that makes any sense. I KNOW that mop will end up in Mississippi because it's being TAKEN down there RIGHT NOW.

Habitat may not be able to start building in the hardest hit areas for another few months depending on how long the cleanup takes.

The foodbank is my fave charity. They get my $$ every year - disasters or no. Ready for my rant?

It just pisses me off to no end that we live in the richest nation on earth and yet people go hungry here every day. Working in food service in college made me realize how much food we throw away. And yet people go hungry! WTF is up with THAT? We, being the idealistic college students we were - wanted to give it away to the people living on the streets. Alas, there are "laws" against that.

And then, as events usually happen, I stumbled upon a newspaper article about the local foodbank. Lo, I was amazed and relieved to find out that SOME of the food that would normally go to waste from stores and food products corps were being "rescued" and redistributed to those in need.

Thank the gods that not everyone is chained to the "bureaucratic mentality". I've been writing them checks since college and continue to do so. MY gf told me that when her daughter ran out of food stamps for her kids and needed food, various agencies in the city turned her away because she didn't have the "right paperwork". Can you believe that shit? Yeah, well it's the "BM" operating at all levels.

The only place that would help her was the food bank. All of the other agencies were "big name" charities or gov't orgs and none of them would help. Needless to say, my gf was sore pissed and immediately stopped giving to all other charities to give all her donations to the food bank.

No one in this country should go hungry - ever. Especially seniors and kids. There is just no excuse for it. None. Seeing how much food is thrown away and wasted makes me ill and if my $$ will help end it then I'll give it.
\rant

Man, I am worn out. I just might have to go to bed at a decent hour tonight. I dunno how I'm going to make it if I don't get some sleep. It's like I lay down then it's time to get up again. WTF is up with that? Bunch of bullshit! It's like the night only lasts for 10 minutes. That's what it FEELS like, anyway.

(1) comments

The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 10:06 AM

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

~ I've been thinking ~

That's rather frightening, isn't it? I've been thinking. About a lot of things.

I've been reading a book called "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" and it has made me think. Sometimes I don't like thinking. It brings up too many bad thoughts and memories.

In a roundabout way, all this sort of leads into why I haven't been able to write lately. It's very odd and hard to explain but in my own convoluted way I can understand it all perfectly now. Of course HE says, "Just because you can't imagine a happy ending doesn't mean no one ELSE can." Then I get his patented look of disgust. Shut up already!

So why have things been bothering me lately? What do I enjoy and why? Why don't I want a boyfriend?

It boils down to I'm pretty selfish and I cannot stand the thought of being dependent on anyone else for my safety. Pretty simple, huh?

Anyway - what brought all this on was the book - they got to the part of pregnancy and it made me think about the only time I ever had the "kids" discussion seriously with a guy.

The thought of being pregnant terrifies me. At no other time are you so utterly helpless really. Kids, fine. I can deal with that - grown kids. But the actual getting gigantic fat and unable to defend yourself (or have a diminished capacity to) just terrifies me.

Probably because I don't think any guy WOULD ever help me if I were that helpless. They never did before. So why would they now?

When I was about 16, my younger brother was into serious drugs and used to verbally and physically abuse my mother and me. (Not so much physical as I could still beat the shit out of him. And people wonder why I'm so mean). My dad did nothing to protect us. He blamed US for "enraging" my brother. Therefore, I pretty much don't trust any man to help me. When I needed protection, it wasn't there.

I felt like the two of us had been abandoned emotionally by who should have been our protector and that just is NOT going to happen again. Period. I will preserve my personal freedom at any cost. Die on your feet or live on your knees.

And the individual I had spoken to about having kids really didn't care about ME. He just wanted someone to pop out his babies so he could "be like his friends". Yeah. Leave me to rot once you got what you wanted. I don't think so.

Given a choice - I'd much rather be alone. That way I don't HAVE to trust anyone. It's just ME. And I can take care of myself.

Who is going to be there for me? I trust the ice. It never lies and it's always there when I need it. It loves no one but ME. (Hey, it's my twisted reality, deal with it!)

So Mr. Wicked and I have been arguing on and off for the past two weeks around my inability to grasp that maybe HE might not be this way toward Annowe. His opinion is "It's MY story and that is NOT the way it is." And my opinion is "I don't believe that crap."

Back and forth we go - he insisting that just because *I've* never experienced somethings doesn't mean they cannot exist. Intellectually I understand this. Emotionally I do not and it is very hard for me to grasp. How can I write about something if I cannot grasp it? I don't have the words. How could I describe the taste of lobster when I'm allergic to shellfish and never had it? I mean, if I can't bring myself to believe in him, how can I write it so everyone else does, too?

More and more I've come to rely on him to help me and I hate him for it. I resent his smug-ass smirk and I hate the fact that I NEED him. Good GAWHD ALMIGHTY that burns me on so many levels. I just want to bang my head against the wall in frustration.

Better yet, I'd like to bang HIS head against the wall in frustration. That would help a bit.

(2) comments

The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 9:05 PM

Saturday, September 03, 2005

~ The Necessities ~

The other day my mom calls me up and tells me she's outta fags and I gotta make a run over the border for her. Yeah. Well, apparently a carton of cigs is about $30 here so she wanted me to go south and get some.

That's ok. I'm outta rum and it's cheaper in the Motherland too.

So today, I make a run for the border. Imagine my delight and surprise when I find gas is like 20 cents cheaper over there, too. Woooo! It's $2.89 a gallon so I top off the tank. Then buy fags and rum. If the coppers would have stopped me, they would have had a mighty stash of contraband - three cartons of fags, two 1/2 gallons of rum and a full tank of gas. The entire trip cost me about $100. Dang.

Freakin' gas is almost as expensive as her fags. That woman need to find a cheaper habit. Or move over the river. HA! I know she's going to bitch but I'm not driving down to Ft. Knox to save her $5 a carton on them damned fags. Forget it. If I'm down there, I'll pick them up. But I'm not making a special trip down there with gas prices sky high. It's sort of pointless.

~~~

All I've wanted to do today is sleep for some odd reason. And I have a lot of stuff to do around here. I finally DID clean out one of the closets and went to dance practice today. So at least I've been semi-productive. I still need to do laundry and the dishes and clean out some more stuff. I might do that tomorrow.

And I need to start writing again. Hateful is refusing to talk to me until he has sufficiently "punished" me for my "crimes". (Read - I went out and had a hellacious time and HE wasn't there to watch). Ah, well. It's been quiet so I can't complain.

Maybe eventually I'll put some of my clothes on my dressmaker's dummy and take pix of my outfits. I probably should. Then burn them to CD. I've been burning a lot of photos and writings to CDs so I have them (just in case anything happens.)

This hurricane has sort of made me think "what would I do in that situation?" If I had to walk out of town with only the possessions I could carry - what would I take? And I realized that there is a lot of info on my computer that I could burn to CD and take with me.

There are some things - small - that could fit into my backpack and are very practical. But honestly - when it comes down to it, all I really really would need is clean water. At Pennsic, that is the ONE thing that takes up a majority of time - getting water. So those water tabs to "purify" water are right up there next to my CD's and that bottle of olive oil.

It sounds crazy but still . . . just trying to be practical here.

(1) comments

The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 6:47 PM

Thursday, September 01, 2005

~ Katrina ~

Wow. What a mess. Unbelieveable.

I'm reading some info on CNN and MSN and Yahoo and I see the city of New Orleans just sunk like Atlantis. It's very very surreal looking. And Biloxi seems to have been just wiped clean off the face of the earth.

The saddest part of all is that some morons are shooting at their rescuers. I can't understand why they didn't get out of town in the first place but to shoot at people who are trying to help you is beyond incomprehensible.

Before you accuse me of being unsympathetic read some of the latest stories. The National Guard won't move in because they are being shot at. By who no one seems to know but they can't HELP the people who NEED help because of the violence. It just brings out the worst in some people.

Of course, there are other people who have opened their homes and wallets and headed south to help. These things tend to bring out the best in others, too.

Since I personally have never been in a hurricane, typhoon, cyclone or whatever you want to call it I couldn't really relate to what it would be like. Tornadoes, yeah, sure. Been there, done that but it's not quite the same.

However, once upon a time there was a blizzard in January of 1978 that I remember. And I remember a weather person said "it was like someone froze a hurricane". So I thought I'd do a little looking because I wanted a frame of reference for what happened in MS, LA and AL.

Sure, it would be like comparing apples to oranges but they DO have some things in common - not like comparing an apple to a telephone, for example.

The first thing I remember about that infernal blizzard (or frozen hurricane) was it was fucking cold. No two ways about it, it was fucking cold as hell. The wind chill was at -60F - yeah, you read that correctly - MINUS 60 DEGREES FARENHEIT.

The next thing I remember was the snow. It was like the sky just opened up and dumped snow on us. There was over a foot of snow in ONE 12 hour period and it kept coming. What if that had been rain? We would have been flooded out for sure. It snowed for like, 2 days. I mean, the blizzard LASTED for two days and it freakin' blanketed Indy, OH, MI and everything east. It was a massive path of snow.

One "good thing" about the hurricane is once it hits land, it loses it's energy force and eventually dies. Katrina lasted about 4 -6 hours from what the news outlets are saying. Still, that's one hell of a long time to be pounded with winds at 80 some MPH and rain coming down in sheets.

The most eye-opening fact to me as I was trying to "get a handle" on the fury of the storm was how it compared to the Blizzard of '78.

Katrina had winds of 131 - 155 mph gusting up to 175mph. The highest winds for The Blizzard was 100 mph. That's enough to rip the hair right off your head if you're dumb enough (or unfortunate enough) to be caught out in it! O-O Yikes!

The weirdest thing to me, tho, is the fact that the barometric pressure for Katrina was about 27.5 (more or less). The barometric pressure for The Blizzard was 28.3. Now, I don't know if anyone can quite grasp how LOW that really is but NORMALLY it's about 29 or 30 around here. A barometric pressure of 27.9 - 28.5 and winds of 111-130mph will give you a Category 3 hurricane (Think Ivan from the mid 90's).

So, really, the weather person was right in a sense - someone DID freeze a hurricane and tossed it into the midwest in the winter of 1978. A frozen hurricane that lasted for two damn days.

Whoa. I remember how bad it was being snowed in and not able to get food (fortunately we had chickens, a wood burning stove and had canned all summer so it was no big deal to us but others weren't so fortunate). I can't imagine how devistating it must be for the people living in Katrina's aftermath.

The only thing I can say is it will get better. When you're so far down, there really isn't any place to go but up.

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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 3:39 PM

~The Mighty Nephy~

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