I think I might know what it is. After many days of thinking and pondering and asking "why?"
I just don't feel appreciated. Yeah, it's THAT simple. I'm sure I'm not the only one, either. Funny how that happens.
I used to do a lot of volunteering with the SCA - working troll or working in the kitchen, serving feast and the like and you know what? Nobody gave a damn. Nobody said "thanks" or even "good to see you helping again." As a matter of fact, I was pretty soundly ignored. So I stopped.
Now whenever there is a local event I don't bother to do anything but show up and enjoy myself. If I happen to help out, ok. If not, oh well. That's one of the reasons I don't want to join a household. They EXPECT you to show up, be joined to their hip and spend all your time doing THEIR shit. There's no reward. Nothing in it for me.
Let's face it, people. I'm a pretty damned selfish person when you get to it. And I'll admit it. So if I'm not getting anything out of an arrangement I'm probably not going to stay in it for long.
I wasn't getting anything out of helping so I stopped. Did it make me feel better? No. It made me feel tired and dirty and like I had spent the day at WORK. Anything that reminds me of the salt mines is BAD. I avoid shit that reminds me of the salt mines because I despise the salt mines.
Now volunteering at skating stuff - I like that. I get to talk and eat and skate. If I could only figure out how to swill rum AND skate - well, THAT would be nearly heaven.
Abrupt subject change - so Sunday night it's 1am, right? I'm fixing to go to bed. The light is off but the TV in the living room is on. "Deliverance" starts coming on and I have to giggle (long story).
It's been a long day (dad and I went to the flea market so I could "people watch" and he could pick thru every hardware bin in existence). I was tired. Then, totally out of the blue, this guy rings my door. I'm like "WTF? Probably some stupid drunk can't remember who he's supposed to ring." I answer.
Now, people, how fucking RUDE is it to show up at someone's door at 1am when they aren't expecting you? When you haven't WARNED them you are coming over? Like you haven't spoken to them in MONTHS.
Pete, for reasons unknown, decided to show the fuck up at my door at 1am and thought I would let him IN! Uh, no. You're drunk. Your ex wife is a psychopath. It's 1am and I'm going to bed. ALONE!! Beat it.
WTF is this clown THINKING??? You can just show up drunk and horney and I'll let you in? This ain't no whorehouse, douchebag. I should give you a vicious face-slapping for even letting that thought cross your feeble mind.
Look, there is a REASON I don't return your calls - I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to tell you this over email but your psychopathic ex-wife has broken into every email account you have and sent out hate mail.
I've got enough problems without YOUR psycho ex trying to fucking STALK me - get it? YOU are not WORTH being stalked over!! Not in the least. I may be a slut but I have STANDARDS, dammittohell!!
So my problem boils down to this - I want to be appreciated. But it has to be by someone that *I* esteem. Lowlives, psychopaths, drunks, freaks, tards, assholes, rethuglicans and haters need not apply. That does NOT feel like "appreciation". It feels like taking a bath in oil - slimy.
And let's not even START on the job. If their way of showing appreciation is to pay me well, it's no wonder I pretend to work. I'm going to get screamed at no matter what I do so why should I try busting my ass? You can bust your ass and get screamed at or not do a damned thing and get screamed at.
Personally, I'm growing to prefer not doing a damned thing since the outcome for both options is the same. No point in wasting my energy trying to make things "work out" when 1) I know they won't and 2) It's going to cause a shit fit anyway.
Might as well do something productive. Like clean the labor surf for new embroidery designs. Why not?
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 11:30 AM
Mmm. Must be Neptune in retrograde making me so philosophical I guess. Whatever it is has prompted more burning questions.
Why is it that what we seem most destined to do is something most of us are frightened of? Like Carly Simon having stage fright. It just doesn't make any sense.
Maybe in some weird, twisted way it does. But it's rather ironic. The thing you seem best able to do - where your talent lies - is actually something you are not comfortable in doing a lot of times. And I wonder why that is.
Like the 7 year-old said, "it didn't hurt until I got scared." Maybe that's what it is. I dunno. As long as you're not actually THINKING about it then you're golden.
So what's the point of consciousness if it's just a drag that keeps you from realizing your potential? I mean, really.
For example - I have the absolute worst time testing and competing but I dearly LOVE to skate. I'll try ANYTHING in practice - I mean anything. I have absolutely no fear (which sometimes scares my pros). But when I test or compete I suddenly become this uber conservative, stiff terrified skater. For a long time it puzzled me. So I started reading some sports psychology books to see if I could get anything useful from them.
I did find one book that gave me the "ah-ha!" I was looking for. The name escapes me at the moment but it was just one chapter that I really had to read a few times because it made sense to me.
In essence, it said that when you are first learning something your conscious mind is involved. But as you practice and get better it becomes more UNconscious and muscle memory. Your conscious mind "goes to sleep" as it were. (That's probably why I enjoy skating so much - I'm completely "unconscious" as it were. Nothing but me and the ice.)
But, in SOME people (that would be ME), when you are under stress (as in a competition or test) your conscious mind suddenly wakes up from its stupor and tries to start directing everything again.
That's why I get so nervous and tense - my conscious mind has kicked in and overrides all of my muscle memory and training.
Yeah - sounds simple, doesn't it? "Well, just shut that conscious voice up!" you say. And I wish I could. But it's a struggle.
Sometimes I think there are other aspects of life that are like that - for everyone. You're just going along doing what you do until you become self-aware. Then it all goes to hell. Or maybe you're just afraid of doing what you do well. For whatever reason.
But it seems that what we're afraid of is also what we would most be good at. If that makes a bit of sense. Puzzling.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 10:14 AM
After some serious reflection and a nice long ass talk with Linda, I think I'm beginning to understand the root of the problem.
See, there are some companies that, when you hear their name you automatically have expectations of them. Like IBM or Enron or Microsoft or even McDonalds. There's some
connotation to a company name. Right, wrong or indifferent it's there and many companies spend literally MILLIONS of dollars to influence how you view their company.
When I started working in the salt mines of Tarsus I had a stupid idea that the company would be fairly efficient. I mean, that IS the reputation the salt mines have. And I was dumb enough to believe it. HA!
Therein lies my frustration. You would THINK and EXPECT that the salt mines would have the latest software, have an attentive IT department, have people who really wanted to work - generally be the best at what they do. But, alas, I find it is exactly the opposite.
It's more or less like the government. Once you're in, you're IN and there's no getting rid of you. (Unless you do something extremely stupid like get caught stealing or fighting.) Other than that, you can fuck off and do as little as possible to "get by" and they don't care. They don't. They just find someone dumb enough to believe their hype and bust THEIR chops to work.
I'm tired of fighting their stupid systems trying to get shit done. I'm tired of begging idiots to do their fucking JOB. Someone else can do it. I'll do my part and if fucktard over there can't do his - oh, well. That is NOT my problem.
Obviously my expectations for this company were much, much higher than they could ever aspire to and I am very disappointed. Despite their best efforts to keep us from getting work done we have managed it. But from now on, forget it.
I'm tired of wasting my energy fighting to get my job done. If it gets done, it gets done and if it don't, well then someone is going to have to fix the fucking SYSTEM. I'm tired of circumventing the system because it's a cluster fuck and the only way to GET anything DONE is to go around it. I'll just plunge right into it like everyone else and get stuck in the quagmire of "I don't give a fuck".
That's what they are aiming for so that's what they'll get. If you all knew the company (and trust me, you WOULD) you would be amazed at the stupidity. Simply amazed. You would THINK that we would have the lastest and greatest of everything but I'm here to tell you we don't.
We are still limping along doing data processing by HAND. By FUCKING HAND!!! Why? Because up until this point it was considered "cheaper" to have us calculate data BY HAND than it was to hire someome to write a macros program to do it. Or even ORDER a fucking stock program from Microsoft to do it. It's dumbfounding the sheer amount of stupid shit like this that goes on every damned day.
It's such a waste of time and money and yet, that money never shows up on "the bottom line" so it's not considered. Hmmm. Well, if an engineer spends 16 hours manually calculating spreadsheet data that SHOULD be in a macros - how much do you think THAT cost? Yeah. So the engineer does this 2x per month. This comes out to almost one WEEK a MONTH this engineer is getting paid to do what a macros could do in about 10 minutes.
This is saving money how? This is increasing profit margins how? Yeah. The sad thing is, shit like this is rampant. And there is NO FUCKING EXCUSE for it. NONE. It's like no one gives a shit that our productivity is half of what it COULD be if we actually had shit that worked.
What a novel idea! Something actually WORKS! (besides me).
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 9:21 PM
Lately. Not quite sure what's wrong with me. And I haven't been sleeping much (or sleeping well). I had a lot of excuses but they have dried up and I have to face the fact - I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. Partly I'm afraid the phone will ring. Is that not lame? It makes me feel better to unplug it before I go to bed.
I guess my OCD must be acting up again.
And my job is really getting on my nerves. I've been seriously considering buying a local business that is for sale but I don't know. The only thing that really worries me is how much outlay of $$ it would take to get it "solvent" because right now it isn't. Coming up with the money to buy it - ok. But then trying to find the $$ to RUN it - well, that's another story altogether.
The other day I got dragged, kicking and screaming, into a fucking meeting with some big wheel. I told him flat out "I didn't want this meeting. YOU wanted this meeting. I'd rather nail my foot to the floor and walk in a circle. So don't tell me this meeting is for ME. I don't want it."
Fuckers rode my ASS for weeks telling me I had to meet with these "wheels" so they could hear about my "career interests". Uh, how about "getting the fuck out of here"? Yeah. So I spilled my guts. Of course, he wasn't happy. But the fucker ASKED and so he RECEIVED. Don't force me into a corner because you aren't going to like what you hear.
When I tell you "you don't want to know" I fucking MEAN "you really don't want to know". Badgering me and hounding me to answer you is just going to make it worse.
And I didn't go camping last weekend like I wanted. It was too fucking cold and rained the entire weekend. WTF is up with this dumb-ass weather, anyway? It should be about 80F and sunny but nooooooooo - it's fucking cold and raining. I might as well be in Seattle. Fuck.
Tonight I'm going to have dinner with Linda. That should cheer me up a bit. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with idiots at work. I've said it before and I'll say it again - it amazes the hell outta me that we can manage to make money. Because the work process is nothing but a cluster fuck.
I don't think I'm alone, tho. From what I've been hearing a lot of other people have this sort of ennui (or whatever you want to call it). Sucks whatever name you give it.
The doc gave me a prescription for sleeping pills but I don't really want to take them yet. I might stick to tequila and rum for the time being. I KNOW how that effects me.
I've managed to regain that 10lbs I lost last year. Ugh. But that's my own damn fault. I started eating "bad" stuff - lots of it. In moderation I can keep the weight off but this year - well, it seems the only comfort I've had is food. And it shows.
Oh, sure I'm still skating but not as much as I would like. And hardly going to the gym. I just want to mope around and wallow in self-pity.
Today I think I may hit the ice before I meet Linda for dinner. She can't meet until late and that leaves me just enough time between work and dinner to skate a bit. Last night I worked on double Salchows. Today my butt hurts. There's a LOT of butt scrunching in skating.
On my second attempt at the double sal, I fell off the back of my skate like a dumb ass. I was trying to keep my back straight and ended up leaning on the entry and totally wiped out - busted my ass - and didn't even jump. Just skating along setting the jump up and BAM! On my ass I went. Of course, I cracked up laughing. It was funny (to me, anyway).
On my other attempts, I just didn't get enough height to rotate. It rather unnerved my pro who thought I was going to twist my ankles as I was still rotating when my feet hit the ice. Nah. Maybe if I actually know HOW to LAND that would be an issue. But for right now spinning on my ass isn't a problem. lol!
It's one of those "weight shifting" jumps again and I don't likes them. They are stupid. (Mainly because I don't understand them). Double loops, double flips, double lutzes - all ok by me. No weight shift, no nothing. Just up, in and land.
Maybe I'll get bold on a deserted public session and try a double loop again. I was getting close a few years ago and then I gave up to focus on testing. But maybe I should just go all out on a deserted public session - try all my doubles just for the hell of it.
On the club ice there are too many people and I don't want to run into anyone. Or have them run into ME. And I don't want my pro to see me fucking off like that until I'm READY.
I don't want to scare her (I tend to hurl myself into the air heedless of all bodily harm). She'll ask if I want to go in the jump harness and I'll say "no" because I'm scared of the thing. I'll take my chances hurling myself thru the air with NO harness, thankyouverymuch. I'm always afraid I'm going to kick whoever is holding the other end of the rope. And irrational fear but yet I'm afraid to hurl myself in the harness.
To hurl or not to hurl, that is the question!
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 11:36 AM
What if certain characteristics of your physical self are constant thru incarnations? Of course, that would assume one believed in "reincarnation". But what if?
For example - I was reading a excerpt from the "Diet Right for Your Type" book. Mind, I don't usually read "that stuff" because it's pointless. However, the author brings up an interesting bit about where blood types "originated". The anthropologist in me suddenly became quite interested in this bit of information. Of course, it was only enough to pique my curosity (meaning I'll have to get the book from the lib) but it was interesting nonetheless.
What made me wonder about this type of thing carrying over from incarnation to incarnation was my dad. See, he seems to have an affinity to where his blood type supposedly "originated".
It could be nothing more than an odd coincidence. But what if . . .?
What would you do if you could know the outcome before you began? Would you still do it even if it were bad for you but good for humanity?
I've been having trouble sleeping again. I swear sometimes I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I don't want to sleep altho I'm exhausted (I CAN'T sleep eventho I'm about to fall over from exhaustion). I don't really want to eat, either. The only think I haven't been able to avoid is skating. It's the only thing that keeps me going. And The Creature.
Who, by the way, is a big, fat liar! When he knows MOM is home and will yell at me, he won't chase me around the house. But when MOM isn't THERE to tell me to let him catch me - he runs around after me like a mad thing! He's a turd! (I say that with the utmost affection. I love that dog. He's my baby!)
I still hate this fucking job. Actually it's not really the work - it's the fucktards and the corporate mentality. Nobody listens. Nobody cares. Until the shit hits the fan and then they want to act like they were completely in the dark all along! WTF??
The longer I stay here, the shorter my fuse gets. They just keep piling more and more work on us while they take people away. Hey - I have a life. It may not be some big superhero life but I have one and I enjoy it. I have absolutely NO intention of spending 12 hours a day 7 days a week in this hell hole. Because it wouldn't matter. There would still be work piling around my ears.
It never ends. Sometimes I just think bad things. Really bad things that I'd rather not voice. Maybe that's why I've been having bad dreams lately.
The other night I dreamed I strangled Kristen Dunst with my bare hands. WTF?? She's really not on my "most hated celeb" list or anything. Just sort of "blah" so why do I dream of strangling HER, of all people?
I didn't want to. I didn't! I felt really bad for having to kill her but she knew who I was and was going to turn me in so I had to! And the only thing I could do was strangle her. God, it was horrible! I remember my hands are so small that I couldn't get them all the way around her neck. And I wanted to make it quick (because I didn't WANT to kill her but if I had to then I would at least try to make it quick) but I couldn't. It was just bad.
Then, once I finally managed to kill her, one of her sisters in the dream walked in on me standing over the body. So I had to kill her, too. Because then SHE knew. It was distasteful and repulsive and I just hated every minute of it but it had to be done. And I felt bad. I wished neither of them knew who I was so they could have lived.
I'm glad it was just a dream. It really disturbed me. It still bothers me to think about it. Why are they so real? Creepy. I mean I could FEEL my thumbs digging into her windpipe. God, it was awful! *shivers*
Maybe THAT is why I can't sleep. I've had bouts like that before in the past - where I'm afraid of my dreams so I won't sleep. Is that not stupid?
I am hopeful that this weekend when I go camping I can finally get myself settled down. And if not, then there's enough tequila to knock me on my ass into a blissful dreamless sleep for at least ONE night.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 4:08 PM
Ah, so, lemme see what's been happening. Not much exciting. Pretty much the usual - things have calmed down from my birthday and mom's surgery. Gas prices fluxuate about 20 cents a day (sometimes on the same day); Still skating and managing to gain weight; the job sucks (altho the sea hag has gotten off my ass since she's discovered I'm the only one who knows what the hell is going on - imagine that!) and that's about it.
I'm very glad it's Friday. There's a bunch of "loose ends" I need to tie up today but hopefully it won't take me too long. I plan on getting out of here "early" today (read: actually on time) since I've been putting in the 10 hour days all week.
It sucks because I need to mail a wedding gift and do the laundry and the dishes and the general "housekeeping" stuff. After getting home from work at 7pm there's really not a whole lot of energy left to do much of anything. So I don't. Heh. Who's going to stop me? Exactly.
Next weekend is the first camping event of the summer. YAY! I can't tell you how much I enjoy camping. Really. Getting out in the woods - or just AWAY in a TENT is so restful to me.
Oh, I've managed to paint the ring for my yurt. I'm still trying to find a good picture of an open lotus for the last two open places on it, tho. And some connecting thingies. But the outside of the ring looks really cool - I did it like the "real" yurt in the "real" colors. It looks really neat and I like it. I can't wait to set it up again.
Dad said people have been asking him if we had a "revival" that weekend it was up. That made me laugh. I guess we could have but not the kind THEY are thinking of. We're going to "revive" the Unholy Grail to go forth and claim all livers as its own. LOL!
I've started sewing again. I forgot how much I enjoy it. And embroidering. It's just nice to sit there sometimes and sew by hand. It's the repetitious "I don't really have to think" thing again. Like with ironing. No drama, no thinking - just sitting there doing something as your mind goes a wandering.
Now SEWING sewing - where you cut out the patterns and piece them together, etc. is much more mentally tiring and I haven't quite gotten around to taking THAT back up yet. Right now I'm just hand sewing some seams and doing some repairs and embroidery. Stuff that's already sewn together - I just need to hem or something. That's nice.
Today my freaking arm hurts like hell. I had a 60kg bucket fall on my shoulder and it hurts. It hurts to raise it up. It didn't hit me right on the shoulder - more like the arm at the shoulder. But it's stiff. Good thing I don't sleep on that side.
Now that the rain has stopped my back isn't bothering me nearly so much. And I went back to doing my skating pilates. It's amazing how much that helps - at least ME anyway. Sometimes I think if my belly were stronger my back wouldn't bother me as much. Like my back is stronger than my belly so it pulls everything out of whack.
Ah, well. This weekend I think I'm going to get my camping stuff ready and maybe watch some movies so I can embroider some more. It will be nice to just lay around. I enjoy my hermit-like solitude for the most part.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 10:51 AM
