I think I might know what it is. After many days of thinking and pondering and asking "why?"
I just don't feel appreciated. Yeah, it's THAT simple. I'm sure I'm not the only one, either. Funny how that happens.
I used to do a lot of volunteering with the SCA - working troll or working in the kitchen, serving feast and the like and you know what? Nobody gave a damn. Nobody said "thanks" or even "good to see you helping again." As a matter of fact, I was pretty soundly ignored. So I stopped.
Now whenever there is a local event I don't bother to do anything but show up and enjoy myself. If I happen to help out, ok. If not, oh well. That's one of the reasons I don't want to join a household. They EXPECT you to show up, be joined to their hip and spend all your time doing THEIR shit. There's no reward. Nothing in it for me.
Let's face it, people. I'm a pretty damned selfish person when you get to it. And I'll admit it. So if I'm not getting anything out of an arrangement I'm probably not going to stay in it for long.
I wasn't getting anything out of helping so I stopped. Did it make me feel better? No. It made me feel tired and dirty and like I had spent the day at WORK. Anything that reminds me of the salt mines is BAD. I avoid shit that reminds me of the salt mines because I despise the salt mines.
Now volunteering at skating stuff - I like that. I get to talk and eat and skate. If I could only figure out how to swill rum AND skate - well, THAT would be nearly heaven.
Abrupt subject change - so Sunday night it's 1am, right? I'm fixing to go to bed. The light is off but the TV in the living room is on. "Deliverance" starts coming on and I have to giggle (long story).
It's been a long day (dad and I went to the flea market so I could "people watch" and he could pick thru every hardware bin in existence). I was tired. Then, totally out of the blue, this guy rings my door. I'm like "WTF? Probably some stupid drunk can't remember who he's supposed to ring." I answer.
Now, people, how fucking RUDE is it to show up at someone's door at 1am when they aren't expecting you? When you haven't WARNED them you are coming over? Like you haven't spoken to them in MONTHS.
Pete, for reasons unknown, decided to show the fuck up at my door at 1am and thought I would let him IN! Uh, no. You're drunk. Your ex wife is a psychopath. It's 1am and I'm going to bed. ALONE!! Beat it.
WTF is this clown THINKING??? You can just show up drunk and horney and I'll let you in? This ain't no whorehouse, douchebag. I should give you a vicious face-slapping for even letting that thought cross your feeble mind.
Look, there is a REASON I don't return your calls - I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to tell you this over email but your psychopathic ex-wife has broken into every email account you have and sent out hate mail.
I've got enough problems without YOUR psycho ex trying to fucking STALK me - get it? YOU are not WORTH being stalked over!! Not in the least. I may be a slut but I have STANDARDS, dammittohell!!
So my problem boils down to this - I want to be appreciated. But it has to be by someone that *I* esteem. Lowlives, psychopaths, drunks, freaks, tards, assholes, rethuglicans and haters need not apply. That does NOT feel like "appreciation". It feels like taking a bath in oil - slimy.
And let's not even START on the job. If their way of showing appreciation is to pay me well, it's no wonder I pretend to work. I'm going to get screamed at no matter what I do so why should I try busting my ass? You can bust your ass and get screamed at or not do a damned thing and get screamed at.
Personally, I'm growing to prefer not doing a damned thing since the outcome for both options is the same. No point in wasting my energy trying to make things "work out" when 1) I know they won't and 2) It's going to cause a shit fit anyway.
Might as well do something productive. Like clean the labor surf for new embroidery designs. Why not?
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 11:30 AM
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