Mmm. Must be Neptune in retrograde making me so philosophical I guess. Whatever it is has prompted more burning questions.
Why is it that what we seem most destined to do is something most of us are frightened of? Like Carly Simon having stage fright. It just doesn't make any sense.
Maybe in some weird, twisted way it does. But it's rather ironic. The thing you seem best able to do - where your talent lies - is actually something you are not comfortable in doing a lot of times. And I wonder why that is.
Like the 7 year-old said, "it didn't hurt until I got scared." Maybe that's what it is. I dunno. As long as you're not actually THINKING about it then you're golden.
So what's the point of consciousness if it's just a drag that keeps you from realizing your potential? I mean, really.
For example - I have the absolute worst time testing and competing but I dearly LOVE to skate. I'll try ANYTHING in practice - I mean anything. I have absolutely no fear (which sometimes scares my pros). But when I test or compete I suddenly become this uber conservative, stiff terrified skater. For a long time it puzzled me. So I started reading some sports psychology books to see if I could get anything useful from them.
I did find one book that gave me the "ah-ha!" I was looking for. The name escapes me at the moment but it was just one chapter that I really had to read a few times because it made sense to me.
In essence, it said that when you are first learning something your conscious mind is involved. But as you practice and get better it becomes more UNconscious and muscle memory. Your conscious mind "goes to sleep" as it were. (That's probably why I enjoy skating so much - I'm completely "unconscious" as it were. Nothing but me and the ice.)
But, in SOME people (that would be ME), when you are under stress (as in a competition or test) your conscious mind suddenly wakes up from its stupor and tries to start directing everything again.
That's why I get so nervous and tense - my conscious mind has kicked in and overrides all of my muscle memory and training.
Yeah - sounds simple, doesn't it? "Well, just shut that conscious voice up!" you say. And I wish I could. But it's a struggle.
Sometimes I think there are other aspects of life that are like that - for everyone. You're just going along doing what you do until you become self-aware. Then it all goes to hell. Or maybe you're just afraid of doing what you do well. For whatever reason.
But it seems that what we're afraid of is also what we would most be good at. If that makes a bit of sense. Puzzling.
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 10:14 AM
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