Lately. Not quite sure what's wrong with me. And I haven't been sleeping much (or sleeping well). I had a lot of excuses but they have dried up and I have to face the fact - I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. Partly I'm afraid the phone will ring. Is that not lame? It makes me feel better to unplug it before I go to bed.
I guess my OCD must be acting up again.
And my job is really getting on my nerves. I've been seriously considering buying a local business that is for sale but I don't know. The only thing that really worries me is how much outlay of $$ it would take to get it "solvent" because right now it isn't. Coming up with the money to buy it - ok. But then trying to find the $$ to RUN it - well, that's another story altogether.
The other day I got dragged, kicking and screaming, into a fucking meeting with some big wheel. I told him flat out "I didn't want this meeting. YOU wanted this meeting. I'd rather nail my foot to the floor and walk in a circle. So don't tell me this meeting is for ME. I don't want it."
Fuckers rode my ASS for weeks telling me I had to meet with these "wheels" so they could hear about my "career interests". Uh, how about "getting the fuck out of here"? Yeah. So I spilled my guts. Of course, he wasn't happy. But the fucker ASKED and so he RECEIVED. Don't force me into a corner because you aren't going to like what you hear.
When I tell you "you don't want to know" I fucking MEAN "you really don't want to know". Badgering me and hounding me to answer you is just going to make it worse.
And I didn't go camping last weekend like I wanted. It was too fucking cold and rained the entire weekend. WTF is up with this dumb-ass weather, anyway? It should be about 80F and sunny but nooooooooo - it's fucking cold and raining. I might as well be in Seattle. Fuck.
Tonight I'm going to have dinner with Linda. That should cheer me up a bit. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with idiots at work. I've said it before and I'll say it again - it amazes the hell outta me that we can manage to make money. Because the work process is nothing but a cluster fuck.
I don't think I'm alone, tho. From what I've been hearing a lot of other people have this sort of ennui (or whatever you want to call it). Sucks whatever name you give it.
The doc gave me a prescription for sleeping pills but I don't really want to take them yet. I might stick to tequila and rum for the time being. I KNOW how that effects me.
I've managed to regain that 10lbs I lost last year. Ugh. But that's my own damn fault. I started eating "bad" stuff - lots of it. In moderation I can keep the weight off but this year - well, it seems the only comfort I've had is food. And it shows.
Oh, sure I'm still skating but not as much as I would like. And hardly going to the gym. I just want to mope around and wallow in self-pity.
Today I think I may hit the ice before I meet Linda for dinner. She can't meet until late and that leaves me just enough time between work and dinner to skate a bit. Last night I worked on double Salchows. Today my butt hurts. There's a LOT of butt scrunching in skating.
On my second attempt at the double sal, I fell off the back of my skate like a dumb ass. I was trying to keep my back straight and ended up leaning on the entry and totally wiped out - busted my ass - and didn't even jump. Just skating along setting the jump up and BAM! On my ass I went. Of course, I cracked up laughing. It was funny (to me, anyway).
On my other attempts, I just didn't get enough height to rotate. It rather unnerved my pro who thought I was going to twist my ankles as I was still rotating when my feet hit the ice. Nah. Maybe if I actually know HOW to LAND that would be an issue. But for right now spinning on my ass isn't a problem. lol!
It's one of those "weight shifting" jumps again and I don't likes them. They are stupid. (Mainly because I don't understand them). Double loops, double flips, double lutzes - all ok by me. No weight shift, no nothing. Just up, in and land.
Maybe I'll get bold on a deserted public session and try a double loop again. I was getting close a few years ago and then I gave up to focus on testing. But maybe I should just go all out on a deserted public session - try all my doubles just for the hell of it.
On the club ice there are too many people and I don't want to run into anyone. Or have them run into ME. And I don't want my pro to see me fucking off like that until I'm READY.
I don't want to scare her (I tend to hurl myself into the air heedless of all bodily harm). She'll ask if I want to go in the jump harness and I'll say "no" because I'm scared of the thing. I'll take my chances hurling myself thru the air with NO harness, thankyouverymuch. I'm always afraid I'm going to kick whoever is holding the other end of the rope. And irrational fear but yet I'm afraid to hurl myself in the harness.
To hurl or not to hurl, that is the question!
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 11:36 AM
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