It is so lame.
They have all of these seminars and other bullshit trying to get people to "think outside the box" when all these seminars DO is program you to think within it.
Why is Dilbert so popular among the cube crowd? Because it's true. Everyone can identify with the sheer stupidity of Dilbert's office.
And what gets me is people carry this mentality over to their personal lives. Ick! No! That would sucketh mightily!
These corporations foster this mentality of "more, more, more" and aggression. They want everyone to claw and scrabble for a few choice promotions and encourage the worst sort of behavior.
It's like a company can't deal with the fact that Admin Assistant X LIKES being an admin and DOES NOT want to get promoted to management. If that is the case (so the corporate mentality goes), then there must be something WRONG with X! How can X not WANT to be promoted to management? How can X acutually LIKE being an Admin Assistant? This simply will not do!
So now, since they (in their "infinite" wisdom) have decided that EVERONE must WANT to get promoted, they've added the extra "incentive" of "get promoted in 2 years or get canned". Yeah. Like THAT is going to inspire people.
WTF? Did the thought EVER occur to some of you fucktards that letting someone do a job they LIKE and are GOOD at is actually GOOD for the company? Did that thought ever enter into your pea brain? People who are HAPPY are also PRODUCTIVE!! It's not rocket science.
Stop trying to FORCE people to have the same blind ambition that YOU do. Not all of us think of our JOBS as our LIFE. Yeah, I know that is hard for some of you to grasp (seeing as how you don't have a life ANYWAY.)
Believe me, if I could get a job skating, drumming and dancing I would do so in a heartbeat. But that won't pay the bills.
I guess you don't actually WANT people to be content or happy in their jobs. You just want everyone scratching and backbiting for a few crumbs. I got news - those few crumbs aren't worth my effort! Yeah! They aren't. Deal with it.
I am NEVER going to value the corporate mentality and conformity over my freedom. There, I said it.
You can either live with that fact or not. If you choose not to, then all of this crap you've been spewing about "think outside of the box" and "diversity" is just a steaming pile of dung. As we have always suspected.
What the corporation values more than anything else is conformity. They want you to play by their rules. You aren't actually supposed to THINK and say "this is fucked up". You're supposed to "play along". If you don't "play along" then you're not a "team player".
Please. All these places do is pit people AGAINST each other. They get some sick satisfaction about watching their employees fight tooth and nail over a meaningless "promotion". This "promotion" is only important because THEY SAY it is. Therefore, everyone should want it.
If you have the (stupidity/guts/testicular fortitude) to say "no, thanks!" Then you're deemed a "trouble maker". Why? Because you don't think it's RIGHT to lie and backstab to make yourself look good?
Everything - every corporate "buzzword" is 180degrees opposite of what the corporation encourages.
"Team player" means - get a team to do your work then take the credit for it. (You're not supposed to give credit where credit is due).
"Works well with others" means a smarmy little creep who's crap hasn't caught up with them yet.
You get the idea. It's just so disgusting. And the thing that torques me off the most is the fact that "they" keep saying how they want your job to be "enjoyable" and for you to LIKE coming to work. Riiiiiight.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 12:21 PM
In a freak accident on the ice, I managed to sprain my ankle. Yeah. It hurt like a mo' fo'. I thought I had broken it and probably would have if I didn't have my skates on.
It was just one of those weird things - foot bending in strange way it was never supposed to. I tried to get up and kept moaning, "oh, it hurts! It hurts!" The urge to swear was great but I held my tongue - there are too many young girls around and I don't want to cuss a blue streak in front of them. (They'd probably have to ask their parents what "such and such" meant - lol!)
Of COURSE I was doing Moves. Do I get hurt jumping, spinning or otherwise hurling my body carelessly into space? Aw, hell no! But figures - I can really hurt myself doing figures. And I HATE them for it.
I sat down for a while until I could feel my toes again. Then I tried to walk. Once I discovered I could walk, I skated. Nothing too intense. I just wanted to get back out on the ice and do a few laps so I wouldn't hesitate the next time.
As I was sitting in the lobby unlacing my skates, one of the ladies I skate with sat down next to me. I pulled the skate tongue back and peered into my boot.
"Well, there's no blood," I say encouragingly.
"Are there any bones sticking out?" She asks, leaning over to see.
Me - loosening up skate more to pull it off - "nope - no bones."
"Then you're not that hurt," she laughs.
True, that. And even if I were I certainly wouldn't let on with all of those hockey players lurking around. Or the little girls. The last thing you want to do is scare someone.
I did the self-medication for a while of elevation, soaking, icing it, wrapping it and taking the ibuprofen. Then my toes swelled up like little Vienna sausages so I broke down and went to the Urgent Care.
Not broken. Just sprained. Doc said I could skate next week (but no jumping)! Yay for quick recovery! He said what I am doing for it was good and keep it up. Also do my off ice exercises for my foot.
It is feeling better every day. A little stiff and still purple in places but not as painful as it was on Friday. Owwww! I didn't even want covers on it.
Oh. My washing machine won't spin. Another minor annoyance one must deal with. The agitator works fine and it will wash. The stupid tub just won't spin.
So, bum foot and all I pulled the damned thing out to look at the belt (I thought it was broken - the belt, I mean). Nope. Something else. So now I have to find someone to come out and fix it. Bogus.
If it ain't one thing, it's another.
I've found a couple of jobs I think I will apply for. I need to call these people and see what the deal is. It gets kinda old operating in crisis mode all of the time because OTHER people can't plan.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 1:21 PM
Today I wake up and my back is killing me. It's from Aunt Flo who has decided to be an uber hag this month.
I call in to work and say I'll come in this afternoon because my back just isn't real happy with life right now. (OK, so maybe this weekend I danced too much, slept on a cold ass bed and sat on the cold hard and damp ground. Add to that Aunt Flo is visiting and it's fixing to rain. We've got the trifecta of pain going on this month. Ouch.)
I lay back down and drift off to sleep. Or something like it.
When I woke up (in the "dream"), I was lying face down in a beautiful field. It looked like a painting. It was warm, the sun was shining and there were big trees behind me. I was lying there in the soft grass admiring the sunlight. It was so beautiful.
When I looked up (in front of me), I saw a whitewashed building of some sort. One story. Fairly small. Flat roof - very plain building. The building was sitting near a stone wall that was about waist high. I got up and walked to the wall and looked over.
The sheer drop to the other side was terrifying! It went straight down this rocky cliff into this wild looking wooded land below. Reminded me of Hadrian's Wall in the north of England to keep the "wild" Scots out.
Me, being absolutely TERRIFIED of heights, backed up and found myself next to the white building I had seen earlier. I turned around. The building was small - one room. On one side was a small door with some sort of gold knob on it. The other half of the building front was taken up by this ginormous Mayan-type calendar.
This is my very crude rendition of it.
It is a set of interconnected wheels spinning in the opposite direction from the wheel next to it. On each small "section" there is something written. The outer most wheel is divided up into like Eons. Next is Millenia, then centuries, then decades, then years then months - you get the idea. And these wheels are always spinning except this particular one had stopped. I saw the wheels slowly - each one - one at a time stopped with an audible "click". It was very weird. Like a great series of locks sliding into place.
Then the face in the middle told me I had to open the door but I was afraid. I didn't know what was going on but I felt like something really profound had just happened and it scared me. Like I had passed some point of no return.
I wouldn't open the door but the face in the middle of this calendar kept saying I had to. It was very persistent. Finally, I gave in and opened the door. There was this large golden bee statue affixed to the wall. I looked at it and between it's wings was sort of an opening so I looked thru the opening and the "bee" was looking into my eyes and I heard the calendar start up again. It was making this clicking noise like the destination board in the Frankfurt (Germany) airport.
I backed away from the bee and said, "I want to go back. I'm scared." And the face said, "It's too late. You can't go back. There is only forward."
I started crying and laid down on the stone floor. I didn't know what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. I wanted my mom (I DISTINCTLY remember wanting my mother). The face told me it was too late and I couldn't go back. I couldn't see my mom.
I don't know how long I laid there and cried. It seemed like hours. Finally I sat up. The face told me I had to look into the bee again. It was time to choose.
So I looked into the bee again and I saw all sorts of people. And then I saw "me" I guess or whatever had been chosen for me. It was an older black man named "Gary" and he was from Florence, Italy. He had a mustache and close-cropped hair. He was about average height and a bit out of shape (not fat - just like an older guy who used to play sports but doesn't anymore). I saw colors but I couldn't make out the words that were being written next to him. It was like when you choose a player in a video game and the game gives you the "character" strength/lives/weapons write up.
It happened all so fast and then suddenly I found myself in a castle (that's what it seemed to me to be) and I was trying to find clothes. There were other people there with me. Some people were trying to find clothes and others were helping us to find clothes. It put me in the mind of when I was an extra in the opera and we all had to be fitted for our costumes.
Except this was a bit different because I kept looking for close to fit ME (petite female) and I wasn't ME - I was Gary. Let me tell you the SHOCK of finding one had a penis! LOL! And that one could no longer "estimate" one's size because it had changed so dramatically.
I needed a LOT of help to find clothes for my new form. Finally, I was outfitted in a red linen tunic, heavy cotton pants, leather shoes and a brown wool tunic that was fur lined.
Five of us set out from this castle down a dirt road. We were "going" somewhere - somewhere that we were supposed to be. There was a blonde man with long hair leading us. There was a girl with us but I can't remember anyone else in the group.
It would be a long journey and we would have to stop and rest along the way. We passed other people on the road - some of them going in the same direction as us and some going in the opposite direction. And they were all dressed differently from us. Some had on very odd clothes and some had on nothing but furs. Some people were wearing crowns or mitres and some people had nothing on their heads.
(When I say "dressed differently" I mean some were wearing todays clothes and some had on clothes from hundreds of years ago and still others had on really weird clothes that I'd never seen before. It was very odd.)
We finally made it to the "last stop" before . . .? Where ever it was we were going. This was an old alehouse/taven/guesthouse.
We went in and were eating with a bunch of other people in there. Everyone was waiting for "something". I struck up a conversation with one of the staff at the inn. He was a tall, thin white guy with short hair wearing a coif. He had a mustache. A bushy one.
I told him about my strange experience at the white building. He said that nobody can go back. I wanted to know why and he said "that's just the way it is. Don't worry, you won't remember it after you leave here."
This really bothered me. I was worried about my family and friends and I wanted them to know I was ok.
The man told me "Why do you think you're made to forget? If you remembered then all you would do is pine and weep for what went before. You would never go forward, you'd always want to go back. So you are made to forget so you can get on with it." (Whatever "it" is. I'm not quite sure).
He also told me that "here, there is no concept of time. When you cried in the white building, it seemed to you like minutes but it could have been centuries. There is no way to tell. The people you want to see may not be where you left them anymore. What if you go back and they aren't there?"
I sat back down and thought about what he had told me. The girl in our traveling group came up and sat next to me and we started talking. We were both sad that we couldn't go back and started talking about "before". I showed her my right arm and there was a bloody bandage there. I told her I had been shot in a convenience store robbery. I think she said she had a car accident. I kinda knew at that time we were dead. (This did not upset me as badly as not being able to tell my family I was ok and not "really" dead - or whatever the hell I was).
We talked about our family and friends and cried because we wouldn't be able to see them again. The skinny guy with the mustache joined us and he said, "oh, you'll see them again, don't worry. You just won't REMEMBER them."
The girl asked if they would remember us and he said, "no. Not the way you WANT them to remember you. They will immediately KNOW you but not like they knew you before."
This confused the girl but I think I understood. I said, "it's subconsciously you will remember. Subconsciously you will remember them and all the places you've been but your conscious mind won't make the connection."
The thin guy nodded. "Yes," he said. "That's why you must forget. If consciously you remembered who you were, you would always try to go back there and finish things up and you can't. When it is time to go, it is time and you can't go back. So those memories are erased from your consciousness to prevent that."
He also said, "you remember how painful it was to you when you found yourself at the white building? How you cried and cried and pined for what you knew. You wouldn't go on. You wanted to stay there, hoping that you could return to your former state. If we let you remember, what would prevent you from trying to return to it again? It's simply too painful for you to remember it consciously."
So I asked about time - how does it work. He said that the calendar on the wall was for all time - past, present and future. Subconsciously we understand there is no such thing as "time". That "time" is simply the conscious minds way to order and track everything. What WE think of as the "past" could very well be someone ELSE'S "present" or "future".
We don't remember "the future" (eventho we may have lived it) because during "the space between" we are made to consciously forget. So, while I may think the year is 2006, for someone ELSE (at another place on the calendar), the year could very well be 6002. And I could have very well come FROM 6002 - I just won't remember it once I get to where I'm going.
Time is NOT linear. It's a . . . well, sort of like a can of worms. It's all jumbled up together. We are just CONSCIOUSLY aware of our OWN time and place. But everything continually happens. That calendar just keeps right on spinning.
It's sort of hard to explain and I wish I could do it better. If I'm not aware that I have lived in 2006 and suddenly find myself in 1280, to the me in 1280, I won't KNOW what the me in 2006 knows of history. I'm simply not conscious of it.
A simpler way to explain it is there can BE no "if I knew then what I know now". Because you won't remember. You CAN'T remember or you'd do nothing but lament for your "former" family and friends.
However, the skinny guy did tell me that people tend to "find" each other again. There is a REASON certain people have an affinity for each other. They remember each other on a very deep level. EVERYONE has had that feeling.
And deja-vu - well, that's why IT exists. Every now and then a memory is so strong that it "pops" into your conscious mind. Something triggers the subconscious memory and it comes to the surface.
I know this sounds incredibly weird and rather depressing on the one hand. It made me cry. I mean, it's sad that we have to "forget" the people we love and who love us. Why can't we stay the same forever? (I didn't get around to asking that particular question. I don't think anyone would have had an answer that I could accept).
On the other hand - it's nice to know that no one really leaves us. We just have to find them again. Kinda like having your best friend move away when you're young and finding them again when you're in your 50's. All those years between melt away. It's the same thing more or less.
I have to say it was very very traumatic and painful to realize that I couldn't return from whence I came. I would have given ANYTHING to let my mom know I was ok and not to worry about me. That upset me more than anything. I knew if I could tell mom, she would tell everyone else that I was fine. But they wouldn't let me tell her and I couldn't find my way back.
I didn't want everyone to worry. I wanted them to know I was ok and I would be seeing them again when it was TIME.
Yes, it's very painful to be the ones "left behind" but it is just as painful to leave everyone.
It's best we don't remember the pain. Subconsciously we do. That's why (I believe) some of us are jealous and posessive and have terrible separation anxiety or fear being alone. That "threat" triggers those traumatic memories and we react fearfully.
We don't remember the pain but we certainly remember (in a way) what CAUSED the pain and try to avoid it.
I found it strangely appropriate that I would have such a profound dream on such a terrible day. And I have a strange feeling I'm not the only one getting this sort of "message". In various ways, odd "synchronicitous" things are happening to others to let them know we don't actually "cease to exist". We just become different characters in another play.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 2:04 PM
Why is this all I hear from people? "I want . . . " I'm so sick of it. Everyone wants FROM me and no one wants to give TO me.
Today I get an email from - well, I don't know how to describe this relationship so I will call her my fan.
Anyway - she sends me this email (after about a zillion calls) wanting to know if I will meet her this weekend at the campout and spend my time with her. I say no. I have fast and loose plans to drum, dance and drink. I mean, what more to life is there? That is what *I* want.
Alas, her words are "I want you to (blah, blah, blah)". Well, what about what *I* fucking want for once? Huh? What about THAT? If you want to hang out with me at the hafla, fine. But don't think I'm going to leave a perfectly good hafla I'm enjoying because YOU want me all to yourself.
All damned day I have to listen to people pissing and moaning about what they WANT. How THEY can't survive another millisecond if I don't DO what they WANT right this instant. I'm sick and tired of it.
Do I get what I want? Oh, hell no! I have to beg and beg and beg people to do their damned jobs so I can do MINE and it's like pulling teeth! But as soon as THEY want something - I damned well better jump! Right. Fuck that noise.
And let's not even get to the personal side of this. He Who Shall Remain Nameless (not the disembodied one, either) has been pissing and moaning because he has (once again) overcommited himself.
A constantly litany of wants because HE has made promises, stressed out and thinks *I* can make it "all better". I have an idea. How about you just say no? THAT would go a long way to reducing the stress level. But that, of course, makes too much sense. And we can't have that!
The only thing that is what *I* want is skating. Yeah. That's the one thing I do that's completely selfish and self serving. It's my way of masturbating. And I like it more than sex. Yes, there I said it, bitches!
Sex is something I GIVE not something I GET. Skating is something I GET.
One of the few things I GET and can TAKE for myself. Why wouldn't I love it? Nobody can touch me on the ice (not that I'm great or anything. Just nobody bothers me). Nobody wants from me (except my pro, but that doesn't count because it's something I want to GIVE).
I think that is one of the "secret" reasons I don't want to start teaching quite yet. And I couldn't make a LIVING at it. But if I started teaching, more than likely I wouldn't have the TIME to skate for myself. And that would be Bad. Very Bad.
Of course, I completely enjoy drumming and dancing as well. And if I were as good at it as I am at skating then I could probably relax a bit more and enjoy it more. Skating (since I have done it for nigh on to 15 years) is mostly muscle memory for me now. I don't have to think about it. If someone says "can you do a split-flip into a half loop double sal?" I immediately know what they are talking about and how to do it.
It takes me a little bit of concentration to have someone say a rhythm to play or to look at music and know where my fingers go on the violin. It's not second nature to me yet. While it is still very fun and enjoyable to me, there is some level of frustration involved due to my inexperience.
When I want to feel like a goddess, I skate.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm highly flattered that people enjoy my company so much that they want to spend so much time with me. But, let's face it, I'm rather a private person.
Yes, believe it or not, I tend to keep my secrets. They are MINE and if I wanted YOU to have them, I would give them to you. Don't pry into my business. If I tell you I'm busy and don't tell you WHY chances are you don't need to know! (Maybe I feel like laying around picking my nose all day - what's it to you?)
With some people they want to know you're every waking moment so they can horn in on it. Maybe I want to be alone. To stare off into space and daydream. Why do I have to be DOING something in order for you to get that I'm busy?
Sometimes I likes to just sits and thinks about stuff. I guess people don't do much reflecting anymore so they think no one else does.
Abrupt subject change.Lilibean is starting a new blog/story type thing and asked me to contribute. So I will. It should be quite amusing. There are several of us on there talking. This could get interesting. Or weird! ;-) Probably both knowing us.
So, visit us
HERE if you're so inclined.
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 9:02 AM
And I'm back to my normal skating schedule. Yay for that! Altho "boo" on the soreness. This getting old BS is for the birds! What a bunch of crap! (I think that if I were to get back to my three days a week skating routine it wouldn't be so bad, tho. Just a constant ache that you sort of learn to live with).
This weekend is more camping and I am very much looking forward to it. Especially since this is up in the BFE and there are lots of bats and owls that come out at night. It's awesome! Very cool to see the bats flitting around by firelight and hear the owls. It's like the world (mundania) doesn't exist anymore. Just you and the woods. Ahhhh! So nice!
This weekend was a holiday weekend (which I needed for sanity purposes). Of course, all the grandiose plans I had made were for naught. I ended up doing something I hadn't planned on but needed done anyway. I cleaned off my balcony, repainted a storage box and did a lot of cleaning.
I had originally intended to do a bunch of sewing - some repair work and some making new stuff. This was not accomplished.
However, I DID beat The Creature. And I fooled him yet again! For the last two times I've come in the back door and yelled. He (foolishly) has run to the front door giving me the opportunity to run and hide in the house. He KNOWS I'm there but he can't find me so he runs around doing his high-pitched scream/bark thing until mom yells at me.
So THIS time, I came in the garage door and yelled. He ran to the back door. HA! I was just about to hide when mom yelled at him and pointed at me! WTF?? My own mother blew me in! Of course, I'm flat busted and there's no where to hide because he's seen me. I just take my "punishment" and sit down in the floor so he can blow snot in my face and lick me.
He wanted a lot of attention. Starving for love he is! LOL!
This week is going to be pretty busy - I have stuff to do after work all week. Today is skating, tomorrow is chiro and Friday I'm taking a half day to go camping. I'd like to go to the gym tomorrow if I can. I haven't been in a while and I'm porking up again.
Freaking GAINED 4 pounds at Pennsic! Who the FUCK GAINS weight at Pennsic? That is unbelieveable! All I do is walk - everywhere. MILES. And I GAINED weight? Wasn't like I was eating all of the time, either. That just amazes (and disgusts) me. It must've been the rum - but don't think for one minute I'm about to give THAT up! Oh, hell no! We'll just add another few laps in the pool or something!
What else? Hmmm. I got my "distance" degree coursebook from the school I requested (thinking that their WEBSITE was correct). On their website, it says you can get a masters on line in anthropology, right? So I order the coursebook. In the BOOK it says you have to be on campus. Right. That's bogus. I'm going to have to call them and see what the deal is. I wanted to take a class this fall.
I got my local continuing ed brochure, too. I think I might take a few classes there. I haven't gone to a class in a while. One is for career decision making. Hey, every little bit helps.
And there are a few astronomy classes down at the observatory that sound interesting. It was sooooooo cool when I took that one astronomy class and we got to look thru the BIG observatory telescope at Saturn and Jupiter! That was AWESOME! We got to see an eclipse on Jupiter. Very, very cool!
Yesterday I somehow managed to lose my work id. Oh, I know where it is. I was "making" and scraped it off of myself. When I got out to the car, the only thing that was left was the clip. hahahaha! I had to laugh at that. I must've tried to squeeze between something and raked it off of myself.
It's out there somewhere. I just have to go find it. If someone else finds it first I'm likely to grow a beard and an afro. LOL! But it would serve me right I guess. Lord knows I've certainly drawn enough beards in my day! (And managed to appear completely innocent of it!)
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The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 8:27 AM
