Why is this all I hear from people? "I want . . . " I'm so sick of it. Everyone wants FROM me and no one wants to give TO me.
Today I get an email from - well, I don't know how to describe this relationship so I will call her my fan.
Anyway - she sends me this email (after about a zillion calls) wanting to know if I will meet her this weekend at the campout and spend my time with her. I say no. I have fast and loose plans to drum, dance and drink. I mean, what more to life is there? That is what *I* want.
Alas, her words are "I want you to (blah, blah, blah)". Well, what about what *I* fucking want for once? Huh? What about THAT? If you want to hang out with me at the hafla, fine. But don't think I'm going to leave a perfectly good hafla I'm enjoying because YOU want me all to yourself.
All damned day I have to listen to people pissing and moaning about what they WANT. How THEY can't survive another millisecond if I don't DO what they WANT right this instant. I'm sick and tired of it.
Do I get what I want? Oh, hell no! I have to beg and beg and beg people to do their damned jobs so I can do MINE and it's like pulling teeth! But as soon as THEY want something - I damned well better jump! Right. Fuck that noise.
And let's not even get to the personal side of this. He Who Shall Remain Nameless (not the disembodied one, either) has been pissing and moaning because he has (once again) overcommited himself.
A constantly litany of wants because HE has made promises, stressed out and thinks *I* can make it "all better". I have an idea. How about you just say no? THAT would go a long way to reducing the stress level. But that, of course, makes too much sense. And we can't have that!
The only thing that is what *I* want is skating. Yeah. That's the one thing I do that's completely selfish and self serving. It's my way of masturbating. And I like it more than sex. Yes, there I said it, bitches!
Sex is something I GIVE not something I GET. Skating is something I GET.
One of the few things I GET and can TAKE for myself. Why wouldn't I love it? Nobody can touch me on the ice (not that I'm great or anything. Just nobody bothers me). Nobody wants from me (except my pro, but that doesn't count because it's something I want to GIVE).
I think that is one of the "secret" reasons I don't want to start teaching quite yet. And I couldn't make a LIVING at it. But if I started teaching, more than likely I wouldn't have the TIME to skate for myself. And that would be Bad. Very Bad.
Of course, I completely enjoy drumming and dancing as well. And if I were as good at it as I am at skating then I could probably relax a bit more and enjoy it more. Skating (since I have done it for nigh on to 15 years) is mostly muscle memory for me now. I don't have to think about it. If someone says "can you do a split-flip into a half loop double sal?" I immediately know what they are talking about and how to do it.
It takes me a little bit of concentration to have someone say a rhythm to play or to look at music and know where my fingers go on the violin. It's not second nature to me yet. While it is still very fun and enjoyable to me, there is some level of frustration involved due to my inexperience.
When I want to feel like a goddess, I skate.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm highly flattered that people enjoy my company so much that they want to spend so much time with me. But, let's face it, I'm rather a private person.
Yes, believe it or not, I tend to keep my secrets. They are MINE and if I wanted YOU to have them, I would give them to you. Don't pry into my business. If I tell you I'm busy and don't tell you WHY chances are you don't need to know! (Maybe I feel like laying around picking my nose all day - what's it to you?)
With some people they want to know you're every waking moment so they can horn in on it. Maybe I want to be alone. To stare off into space and daydream. Why do I have to be DOING something in order for you to get that I'm busy?
Sometimes I likes to just sits and thinks about stuff. I guess people don't do much reflecting anymore so they think no one else does.
Abrupt subject change.Lilibean is starting a new blog/story type thing and asked me to contribute. So I will. It should be quite amusing. There are several of us on there talking. This could get interesting. Or weird! ;-) Probably both knowing us.
So, visit us
HERE if you're so inclined.
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 9:02 AM
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