Today I wake up and my back is killing me. It's from Aunt Flo who has decided to be an uber hag this month.
I call in to work and say I'll come in this afternoon because my back just isn't real happy with life right now. (OK, so maybe this weekend I danced too much, slept on a cold ass bed and sat on the cold hard and damp ground. Add to that Aunt Flo is visiting and it's fixing to rain. We've got the trifecta of pain going on this month. Ouch.)
I lay back down and drift off to sleep. Or something like it.
When I woke up (in the "dream"), I was lying face down in a beautiful field. It looked like a painting. It was warm, the sun was shining and there were big trees behind me. I was lying there in the soft grass admiring the sunlight. It was so beautiful.
When I looked up (in front of me), I saw a whitewashed building of some sort. One story. Fairly small. Flat roof - very plain building. The building was sitting near a stone wall that was about waist high. I got up and walked to the wall and looked over.
The sheer drop to the other side was terrifying! It went straight down this rocky cliff into this wild looking wooded land below. Reminded me of Hadrian's Wall in the north of England to keep the "wild" Scots out.
Me, being absolutely TERRIFIED of heights, backed up and found myself next to the white building I had seen earlier. I turned around. The building was small - one room. On one side was a small door with some sort of gold knob on it. The other half of the building front was taken up by this ginormous Mayan-type calendar.
This is my very crude rendition of it.
It is a set of interconnected wheels spinning in the opposite direction from the wheel next to it. On each small "section" there is something written. The outer most wheel is divided up into like Eons. Next is Millenia, then centuries, then decades, then years then months - you get the idea. And these wheels are always spinning except this particular one had stopped. I saw the wheels slowly - each one - one at a time stopped with an audible "click". It was very weird. Like a great series of locks sliding into place.
Then the face in the middle told me I had to open the door but I was afraid. I didn't know what was going on but I felt like something really profound had just happened and it scared me. Like I had passed some point of no return.
I wouldn't open the door but the face in the middle of this calendar kept saying I had to. It was very persistent. Finally, I gave in and opened the door. There was this large golden bee statue affixed to the wall. I looked at it and between it's wings was sort of an opening so I looked thru the opening and the "bee" was looking into my eyes and I heard the calendar start up again. It was making this clicking noise like the destination board in the Frankfurt (Germany) airport.
I backed away from the bee and said, "I want to go back. I'm scared." And the face said, "It's too late. You can't go back. There is only forward."
I started crying and laid down on the stone floor. I didn't know what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. I wanted my mom (I DISTINCTLY remember wanting my mother). The face told me it was too late and I couldn't go back. I couldn't see my mom.
I don't know how long I laid there and cried. It seemed like hours. Finally I sat up. The face told me I had to look into the bee again. It was time to choose.
So I looked into the bee again and I saw all sorts of people. And then I saw "me" I guess or whatever had been chosen for me. It was an older black man named "Gary" and he was from Florence, Italy. He had a mustache and close-cropped hair. He was about average height and a bit out of shape (not fat - just like an older guy who used to play sports but doesn't anymore). I saw colors but I couldn't make out the words that were being written next to him. It was like when you choose a player in a video game and the game gives you the "character" strength/lives/weapons write up.
It happened all so fast and then suddenly I found myself in a castle (that's what it seemed to me to be) and I was trying to find clothes. There were other people there with me. Some people were trying to find clothes and others were helping us to find clothes. It put me in the mind of when I was an extra in the opera and we all had to be fitted for our costumes.
Except this was a bit different because I kept looking for close to fit ME (petite female) and I wasn't ME - I was Gary. Let me tell you the SHOCK of finding one had a penis! LOL! And that one could no longer "estimate" one's size because it had changed so dramatically.
I needed a LOT of help to find clothes for my new form. Finally, I was outfitted in a red linen tunic, heavy cotton pants, leather shoes and a brown wool tunic that was fur lined.
Five of us set out from this castle down a dirt road. We were "going" somewhere - somewhere that we were supposed to be. There was a blonde man with long hair leading us. There was a girl with us but I can't remember anyone else in the group.
It would be a long journey and we would have to stop and rest along the way. We passed other people on the road - some of them going in the same direction as us and some going in the opposite direction. And they were all dressed differently from us. Some had on very odd clothes and some had on nothing but furs. Some people were wearing crowns or mitres and some people had nothing on their heads.
(When I say "dressed differently" I mean some were wearing todays clothes and some had on clothes from hundreds of years ago and still others had on really weird clothes that I'd never seen before. It was very odd.)
We finally made it to the "last stop" before . . .? Where ever it was we were going. This was an old alehouse/taven/guesthouse.
We went in and were eating with a bunch of other people in there. Everyone was waiting for "something". I struck up a conversation with one of the staff at the inn. He was a tall, thin white guy with short hair wearing a coif. He had a mustache. A bushy one.
I told him about my strange experience at the white building. He said that nobody can go back. I wanted to know why and he said "that's just the way it is. Don't worry, you won't remember it after you leave here."
This really bothered me. I was worried about my family and friends and I wanted them to know I was ok.
The man told me "Why do you think you're made to forget? If you remembered then all you would do is pine and weep for what went before. You would never go forward, you'd always want to go back. So you are made to forget so you can get on with it." (Whatever "it" is. I'm not quite sure).
He also told me that "here, there is no concept of time. When you cried in the white building, it seemed to you like minutes but it could have been centuries. There is no way to tell. The people you want to see may not be where you left them anymore. What if you go back and they aren't there?"
I sat back down and thought about what he had told me. The girl in our traveling group came up and sat next to me and we started talking. We were both sad that we couldn't go back and started talking about "before". I showed her my right arm and there was a bloody bandage there. I told her I had been shot in a convenience store robbery. I think she said she had a car accident. I kinda knew at that time we were dead. (This did not upset me as badly as not being able to tell my family I was ok and not "really" dead - or whatever the hell I was).
We talked about our family and friends and cried because we wouldn't be able to see them again. The skinny guy with the mustache joined us and he said, "oh, you'll see them again, don't worry. You just won't REMEMBER them."
The girl asked if they would remember us and he said, "no. Not the way you WANT them to remember you. They will immediately KNOW you but not like they knew you before."
This confused the girl but I think I understood. I said, "it's subconsciously you will remember. Subconsciously you will remember them and all the places you've been but your conscious mind won't make the connection."
The thin guy nodded. "Yes," he said. "That's why you must forget. If consciously you remembered who you were, you would always try to go back there and finish things up and you can't. When it is time to go, it is time and you can't go back. So those memories are erased from your consciousness to prevent that."
He also said, "you remember how painful it was to you when you found yourself at the white building? How you cried and cried and pined for what you knew. You wouldn't go on. You wanted to stay there, hoping that you could return to your former state. If we let you remember, what would prevent you from trying to return to it again? It's simply too painful for you to remember it consciously."
So I asked about time - how does it work. He said that the calendar on the wall was for all time - past, present and future. Subconsciously we understand there is no such thing as "time". That "time" is simply the conscious minds way to order and track everything. What WE think of as the "past" could very well be someone ELSE'S "present" or "future".
We don't remember "the future" (eventho we may have lived it) because during "the space between" we are made to consciously forget. So, while I may think the year is 2006, for someone ELSE (at another place on the calendar), the year could very well be 6002. And I could have very well come FROM 6002 - I just won't remember it once I get to where I'm going.
Time is NOT linear. It's a . . . well, sort of like a can of worms. It's all jumbled up together. We are just CONSCIOUSLY aware of our OWN time and place. But everything continually happens. That calendar just keeps right on spinning.
It's sort of hard to explain and I wish I could do it better. If I'm not aware that I have lived in 2006 and suddenly find myself in 1280, to the me in 1280, I won't KNOW what the me in 2006 knows of history. I'm simply not conscious of it.
A simpler way to explain it is there can BE no "if I knew then what I know now". Because you won't remember. You CAN'T remember or you'd do nothing but lament for your "former" family and friends.
However, the skinny guy did tell me that people tend to "find" each other again. There is a REASON certain people have an affinity for each other. They remember each other on a very deep level. EVERYONE has had that feeling.
And deja-vu - well, that's why IT exists. Every now and then a memory is so strong that it "pops" into your conscious mind. Something triggers the subconscious memory and it comes to the surface.
I know this sounds incredibly weird and rather depressing on the one hand. It made me cry. I mean, it's sad that we have to "forget" the people we love and who love us. Why can't we stay the same forever? (I didn't get around to asking that particular question. I don't think anyone would have had an answer that I could accept).
On the other hand - it's nice to know that no one really leaves us. We just have to find them again. Kinda like having your best friend move away when you're young and finding them again when you're in your 50's. All those years between melt away. It's the same thing more or less.
I have to say it was very very traumatic and painful to realize that I couldn't return from whence I came. I would have given ANYTHING to let my mom know I was ok and not to worry about me. That upset me more than anything. I knew if I could tell mom, she would tell everyone else that I was fine. But they wouldn't let me tell her and I couldn't find my way back.
I didn't want everyone to worry. I wanted them to know I was ok and I would be seeing them again when it was TIME.
Yes, it's very painful to be the ones "left behind" but it is just as painful to leave everyone.
It's best we don't remember the pain. Subconsciously we do. That's why (I believe) some of us are jealous and posessive and have terrible separation anxiety or fear being alone. That "threat" triggers those traumatic memories and we react fearfully.
We don't remember the pain but we certainly remember (in a way) what CAUSED the pain and try to avoid it.
I found it strangely appropriate that I would have such a profound dream on such a terrible day. And I have a strange feeling I'm not the only one getting this sort of "message". In various ways, odd "synchronicitous" things are happening to others to let them know we don't actually "cease to exist". We just become different characters in another play.
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 2:04 PM
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