So I moved at the beginning of the month, right? And I need to mow the grass. There's a mower on craigslist so my bro and I go over there to check it out. It runs good, seems to be in good order so I buy it and take it home.
The next day I'm mowing the lawn and the fucking wheel falls off. One of the front ones. Fuck. (Now bear in mind that this is a push mower and I've got roughly 1/2 acre. Yeah. Serious exercise pushing a 3-fucking-wheeled mower over 1/2 acre. At least it isn't mega-hilly, right?)
I manage to shove the stupid wheel back on and secure it enough to finish mowing the lawn. All is right on the Nephy estates until the next time I attempt to mow. Now the fucker doesn't want to start. And this would be ok if I had internet access so I could Google "mower won't start".
But noooooo - The Fiends Who Shall Not Be Named couldn't bother to show up and install my internet - TWICE. Fuckers. I'm sitting here with no lawn mower and no internet connection and no cell phone. FUCK. (I can live without the phone and a TV but damn, I miss that internet!)
Like any mature woman, I start crying. I want my mommy and I want her NOW! I throw the lawnmower in the trunk, grab the dog and go home to my mommy.
I get home and start banging on the door. My mom comes out in her house coat smoking a cig and is like "what's wrong?"
"My stupid mower won't start and The Spawns of Apep haven't installed my internet or phone and my grass is knee high!"
Mom gives me a hug and takes me inside. She calls my brother who agrees to come over and work on the stupid mower (he feels bad because he told me it was ok when I bought it but I can't blame him - it worked when we tried it out!) Mom gives me her cell phone so at least I can call someone if I have a problem again.
He comes over and fixes the stupid thing (the fuel line was clogged). I go home, mow the grass and take a well-deserved nap. All is Right with the world.
Then yesterday I go to mow the grass again. This time I have figured out how to put less stress on my poor old bones. Never mow up-hill. See, I've always mowed in a square (I don't know why - it's the way dad showed me so I just did it).
But it was damned hard pushing a 3-wheeled mower even up the smallest incline. So I turned to the Goog. Yes, there are videos out there on how to mow a lawn. Hey - I'm always willing to learn something beneficial to me. And I did.
Armed with this new knowledge of mowing (and knowing why the mower has trouble starting sometimes), I began my attack on the unsuspecting lawn. I was mowing away, blissfully conserving my strength on the inclines when disaster struck.
The fucking wheel fell off again. Fuck. I mean, c'mon, man!
Well, I wasn't about to stop mowing as I only had a small patch left so I just put my weight on the back to balance the mower out and finished on three wheels and with gritted teeth.
In disgust, I pushed the limping mower into the garage and decided to take the dog for a walk. We go on our walk and we're coming back along the path to the kitchen door when this monster anaconda slithers out of this old drainage hole by the kitchen steps.
I scream the bloody murder (I HATE those fuckers!) and do my best MC Hammer typewriter scrabble off the porch while the dog cringes in terror from ME. She didn't even notice the snake and the bastard snake didn't even move when I screamed at it.
C'mon, man! How much trauma can a girl take?
I snatch up the dog (who thinks I've gone nuts) and put her in the house. Fortified with some Gatorade, I lace up my steel toed boots, grab the hoe and go after this monster living next to my kitchen steps.
Of course, I had to stand on the top step and furitively peer over to the hole as I banged the hoe on the porch to make the thing leave. It has wisely either retreated to it's hole or gone elsewhere.
Heaving a sigh of relief, I put up the hoe, took off my boots and grabbed a beer. I had enough of Tuesday!
The stupid wheel falls off the lawnmower (again) then I get attached by an anaconda living next to the kitchen door! I probably should have had TWO beers.
This morning when I get up and take the dog for her walk, I also put a big old BRICK over the Anaconda Well of Terror by the kitchen steps. That bastard snake won't be slithering out to traumatize me again anytime soon!
Now all I have to do is fix that fucking lawnmower wheel. I tried to bolt it to the frame but that didn't work - the wheel kept rubbing the frame so I'm going to try something else tonight.
At least I now have a weed-eater that works. My bro loaned me his but all it did was give the weeds a swirly so that was kinda pointless. My BFF gave me an old one of hers - cordless electric - that is pretty awesome. I've been clearing out all sorts of overgrowth that I can't get with the 3-wheeler. Makes the yard look a lot nicer, too. (And it will tear that fucking snake up!)
Tonights agenda - buy more beer and more underwear (fuck that snake). Then fix lawnmower and finish mowing. Maybe even unpack a little. Or maybe fix the refrigerator (it wants to freeze everything which is rather annoying).
I finally have an internet connection at home so I'll be able to tackle the refrigerator in "real time" and not have to look it up at work then go home and try to figure it out.
The joys of moving. They are never ending, I tell ya!
Labels: lawnmower
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