OK - where to begin. At the beginning I think would probably be a good start.
On Monday afternoon I arrived in France just in time to make my 2:30pm meeting. I no sooner got to the hotel, checked in, got to my room then I was on the phone calling in.
We met for about an hour discussing how I bring order from chaos. Everyone was suitably impressed. Score one for the sexy process team!
Then it was time to explore. I was so tired that I would fall asleep if I laid down and never get my time right. So I headed out the door, picked up a bunch of touristy fliers and went in search of grub. Of course, when I travel, I am permitted to eat anything I please because I walk everywhere. And I like it! I'd much rather ride a bicycle or walk than drive a car but we don't have much of a choice at home. That kinda sucks.
Anyway - I found some diet coke, croissants and chocolate stuffed croissants. How yummy is THAT? My two favorite things together as one? Chocolate stuffed bread! Ah! It is divine!
By the time I got back to the hotel it was about 7pm and I was tired as hell. I laid down and didn't wake up until the neighbors damned dog started barking at about 4am. Stupid thing!
To work. They didn't know if they could run my stuff because they were still having issues. OK. Whatever. Finally, that afternoon we ran some product and sent everyone into a panic because they thought it was bad. BAH! It turned out to be better than expected when I looked at the last results. Everyone was happy and I went home.
Actually, I went in search of transport. It's pretty flat here so I was thinking a bicycle would do just fine. My co worker tried to talk me into getting a car so we walked over to the rental place. They didn't have any cars today - check back tomorrow. (I thought it was too expensive anyway and would have been perfectly happy with a vespa or something but he wanted me to have a car for some reason!)
Tuesday night I wandered around and explored - found a grocery and bought diet coke, croissants and those chocolate stuffed thingies for my room so I could have grub to take with me (or in case I was too tired to go in search of food after a long day of exploring.)
Wednesday we didn't make because of another issue. It's crazy. So I only worked ½ day (actually most of it since we didn't find out until after lunch that it was off). I was determined to find transport and tried to book a car on line. No dice. Then I Googled it and lo, there was a bike rental place! Armed with my map I was determined to get some wheels (paying $22 euros every day to get back and forth from work was totally bogus!)
I take a taxi up to the train station (where the map said the place was) and it wasn't there. The voice told me it had moved but did I listen? Hell no! I cursed and walked and asked and no one speaks Italian and my French is hideous! They all told me it was in the same place. HA!
Now I'm pissed and I flatly REFUSE to pay for another taxi so I'm going to WALK back to my hotel (about 2 miles away). I start walking and would you believe it? I see a van unloading bicycles in the middle of the street! Score!
I run up to the dude and say "bisicleta!!!" He looks at me like I'm on crack and points to this building. Now this is where it gets funny. I try to open the door and smack this poor girl on the butt nearly knocking her over.
They are like "what do you want?" In French. I ask if they can speak English (in French) and the dude DOES! (the girl does too but she's a bit more shy about trying it. I'm like, honey, it's better than my French, I can tell you that! LOL! )
I tell them I want to rent a bike and they start laughing. Seems that they had just moved THAT DAY and I was their VERY FIRST customer - they were laying the carpet when I burst in on them. So we laughed and they gave me a discount for being their very first customer in their new place.
It was funny and we got to talking and carrying on. I told them I hope I bring them good luck! LOL!
So I get my bike and it is SWEET!
I'd get one at home if I didn't think I'd get killed on it! Then I have to go meet my co-worker and his wife for dinner but not before I ride all over town exploring the place! It was cool! I found a medieval church on the other side of the river with a walled cemetery – that was neat! Then I found the boats they use in the summer for tours. It was really interesting.
I met them for dinner and they were all impressed with the bike. We have dinner and the wine is FAB! The food was perfect! Hmmmm!
The next day at work they tell me they can’t run my stuff. OK. Whatever. I split about 2pm and went on a long ass bike ride to hell and back. Maybe not THAT far but it sure felt that way to my poor ass!
Does someone think they can remind me that I'm no longer 23 and jumping on a bicycle and pedaling 30 miles + in one day is kinda dumb? Yeah. But there was a cool castle I wanted to see – Chambord. I hop on that bike and I’m gone. Needless to say, I get off course then back on course then finally manage to find the place and it is AWESOME! (I'll have to post pix).
The main staircase is designed by Da Vinci and it's a double helix – yeah – it’s really hard to describe and you have to see the model of it to understand how it works. Really cool, tho.
The rest of it was awesome, too. Not furnished a whole lot but that doesn’t really matter. And it's a chateau – not truly a defensive fortress like the German castles are. I can't complain, tho, cause it was too cool! Bought a ton of books and took a lot of pix. Wandered around for about 2 hours then pooped out and gorged on ice cream and croissants while I people watched.
Back on the bike and my ass wouldn't have none of that seat! I had to like ride sideways switching cheeks because it was so sore. Thank God it's about flat as Indiana here or I never would have made it back! Naturally, I ended up taking the looooong way back but I did get to see another cool chateau on the river that I would have missed. The sun was starting to go down and I didn't have a light on the bike so I wanted to get back as quick as possible. Oh, my butt!
I staggered into the crepe place and gorged myself (again) on a giant crepe of ham, cheese and mushrooms. Ah! Then I walked back to the hotel with the bike in tow.
The next day my ass was so sore I couldn't hardly ride into work. Or sit down on my chair. It was horrible!!
Work the next day is ok. Panic is setting in again. We solved problems 1 and 2 but another cropped up. Yeah, well. That's the whole point of running this experiment, right? So we get it worked out and I sign away that I'm releasing it. Then me and my co-worker have to rush outta there – he has to go to the bank before it closes (everything in town closes from noon – 2pm for lunch!) WTF??? We zoom over there and he runs into the bank while I wait for him in the car (we’re parked on the sidewalk and I tell him I'll move it if the cops come). Some idiot honks at me and I give him the old Italian "what" sign out the window. Moron!
While he's in the bank, I'm looking through all the notes Kimby gave me on the experiments SHE has run in our lab. Hmmmm. Things were looking quite interesting. It appears that even tho I released that stuff technically "out of range" it will end up better than the stuff THEY did at home. The calculations on the first run worked out. So that was good to know anyway.
That's when things started to get weird. I should have known and just laid in my bed and not come out but that would have been too easy.
I ended up melting 1/2 lb of BUTTER in my co-workers car by accident. Then we went to dinner with his wife and drank like fiends! My GOD! What in the bloody hell was I thinking? I should have known! me+co-worker+wine+bicycle = DISASTER of Biblical porportions! You'd think I would have learned my lesson in Germany but NOOOOOOO! That was too long ago and too far in distant memory.
So we eat and drink and drink and drink and I become so intoxicated that well, I morph into "the return of pukensplaten". We get tossed out of some place - hell if I know what's going on. People are shouting at me in French and all I can do is mumble "c'est bon" but they won't have any of it. So I start singing all the French words I've heard throughout the day - I believe it was about a porcupine on a bicycle - I was making it up. Just singing all the words in French I had remembered from the day. Lord have mercy I was obliterated. FUBAR is a gross understatement.
Couldn't even walk the 20 yards to the hotel. My co-worker and the hotel desk guy had to carry me up stairs (up those narrow ass stairs in those 600 year old buildings they have) as I sang about this procupine and the bike.
Then I decide that I want to sleep in the bathtub (so I don't end up drowning in my own vomit like a rock star) but the wife won't have it. She wants me to sleep in my bed like a good little girl. BAH! Lemme sleep in the tub and I'll be perfectly happy. I know how to take care of myself when I'm that completely gone. Just toss me in the bathtub face down and I'll happily sleep it off. I promise!
Surprisingly, I didn't feel quite so bad when I woke up the next morning. Of course, I was still a bit tipsy but once I got up, ate and had some diet coke I was good to go. So away we went!
(Update - I just ran into my co-worker today and we both laughed like fiends! I apologized profusely and he said his wife was worried. I'm like, "I know. She really shouldn't worry. It's not a big deal. I should have known bad things were going to happen when I did the math - me, bicycle, coworker and wine. That's NEVER a good combination." He was puzzled by the bicycle part of the equation and I had to tell him that if I get drunk I'm morally obligated to ride the bike the next morning. That's just the way it is. So we had a good laugh. He said I was the lucky one 'cause they both felt like crap the next day. At least I got it all out of me before I went to bed! LOL! So he's not as disgusted with me as I thought he would be. And I gave him a gift for his wife. Hopefully she'll accept my peace offering!)
Now I'm determined to get that website up and operating. I really need to get all this info out there so other people can avoid (or enjoy) my mistakes and learn from them. Or just laugh at my stupid ass!
You know, I'm still mad at myself for not being able to just take an extra day off work, sneak over to London and kidnap the Big O when he was at the premiere of his new movie. Would that not have been hilarious? Cue the "Witch Music" from "The Wizard of Oz" and picture me on my rental bike, zooming into Leicester Square, snatching the Big O up on my handlebars away from the protective grasp of his mother and peddaling like a fiend as he screams helplessly for his "mummy"!
Now where I would squirrell him away to I'd have to decide once we hit a downhill stretch. Should I cart him off to France or Germany? I couldn't take him to Italy because then *I* would be distracted by all of the wine, food, art and men. No. I'd have to take him somewhere that I feel safe and know the area. Yes, Germany it is!
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 3:21 PM
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