After much deliberation and soul searching I've decided that I need to start writing some of this stuff down. It's just too good not to share.
Sure, I used to journal when I was younger but I wasn't very consistent at it. It's much easier and faster for me to type so this will work fine, thank you.
See - I'm a 38 year old single chick living in one of the most repressive cities in the US - Cincinnati, OH. Yeah. Lucky me.
Never been married or even engaged. Why? Because the only way you can meet a guy in this town is to go to church and I just don't believe in that sort of thing for a number of reasons.
What's a poor girl to do? Well, the church option is out. Personal ads? Yeah. Been there, done that married guy. Sheesh! What part of "NO MARRIED MEN" do you not understand? I know you can read because you've managed to get my physical description down (you keep going on and on about it) but you just can't seem to figure out that "NO MARRIED MEN" is specific to YOU. Whatever.
Maybe some singles parties? Only when I really wanna feel like a freak. I'm the only chick there over 30 who has never been married. Everyone else sits around talking about their kids. That's a helluva good time, don't you think? Hmmmm. Besides, hooking up with some 50 year old man and listening to him bitch about his ex wife all night is my idea of THERAPY, not FUN.
That's sort of the background to this whole thing and here's where it gets good. On the advice of a friend, I decided to try some internet dating. What the hell, right? After a drunken discussion with a fellow single gf, I decided to go for it and signed up for eharmony.
No. My friends, do not go here unless you can't meet a guy at church. The dude that runs it is a conservative Christian so you get stuck with guys older than you because that's what HE believes in. Had I known this going in - that I would not be matched with younger men - I would not have signed up in the first place. Live and learn. Now YOU know. But it could be just the thing YOU are looking for so give it a shot if this is up your alley.
I wondered why every guy that I was matched with was 40 - 50 years old. Now I don't care if you're a little overweight or bald. I can deal with this. What I cannot deal with is a dude with no teeth (yes, believe it, men are stupid enough to post pictures of them missing prominent teeth), a dude posing with another woman (obviously the ex judging by the rings), or a dude proudly posing with all of his NASCAR stuff. Get me a bucket and a mop 'cause I just hurled all over my monitor!
Needless to say, I let that membership lapse. They aren't giving me up without a fight, tho, and keep bombarding me with "return for half price" nonsense. Uh, no.
Next up was Yahoo personals. I'd heard several people mention this and Match.com. I already had a yahoo account so I figured WTF? Ladies, lemme tell you there are some desperate men out there and it is frightening.
One individual (let's call him Ray to protect the guilty) saw my Yahoo ad and responded. His first reponse was his phone number with a demand "call me tonight". What night? What night did you write that? What if I don't check my mail everyday? What if I have other plans? Twit!
Now that's a very good way to turn off a chick you haven't even met by demanding instant attention from her. And if they are anything like ME - their answer will be "hell no" just on principle. As an 8year old so eloquently put it recently, "you ain't the boss of me!"
I wrote "Ray" back and said that I wanted to email him a bit first to make sure he wasn't a whacko. Of course he SAID he wasn't a whacko - so does jacko. Well, his emails became more demanding that I call him. Immediately if not sooner. He would DIE if I didn't call him. He didn't CARE that I wanted to be a bit more comfortable with him via email. What HE wanted was me on the phone so he could strong arm me into meeting. Dude, a bit of advice for future reference - do NOT get into a battle of wills with a redhead - you will NOT win.
After several more of these unanswered demands I simply told him that his constant badgering me to call him was a turnoff and I had no intention what so ever of doing so. His final answer? "Well, I'll still be here waiting for you when you change your mind. Call me." Good Lord, what an idiot! I'm still praising Allah for that "block" button. Ray will whine again no more.
Next was "Phil". Not Dr., either. This dude's problem was he was quite overweight and was searching for a "slim, slender, beautiful woman that I can pamper and take care of". Get that mop back out - I just hurled on the monitor again. Let me count the ways in which that is so wrong. First, dude, look in the mirror - that big old thing hanging down to your knees is your BELLY. Why would *I* find that attractive? And yet I'm supposed to look like a starving supermodel (redundant, I know) for you? I don't think so.
And WTF is this about "to pamper and take care of"? Get a freaking lap dog for the love of Pete! Any woman worth having is going to sneer at such blatant stupidity (if you're lucky. If you're not she'll take you for everything you're worth. Trust me on that one!) I sent the canned "sorry, I've met someone" reply. As much as I'd like to - I just cannot be cruel to someone. Unless they really really deserve it. (Hence this little chat between us! I can't keep this stuff to myself - it's just too rich!)
There have been a few decent dudes on there - three of which I am still talking to despite cancelling my account at Yahoo. I told them(Yahoo) I'd found what I was looking for. Not there, exactly, but found it more or less. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The same gf who drunkenly encouraged me to get on line is back in town and we meet up to giggle and gossip like a couple of old ladies. I tell her about my experiences. She laughs at me. Laughs at me! She set me up, I know it!
"Bean," I say (that's her nick) "You was bad to encourage me. Why haven't YOU done it?"
"Because I don't want someone to DATE and get serious with. I work too much. I need a guy - what's the phrase? 'Friends with benefits'?" She giggles.
I laugh. Indeed. I mean, why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage, eh?
"So why don't you put THAT in your ad?" I dare her.
She thinks about this for a minute. I appear superior because at least I've tried it. She rises to the bait.
Well, needless to say she got 24 responses in a 12 hour period on Yahoo with an ad like that. I about died. I wanted to claw her eyes out! Serves me right for not stipulating EXACTLY what I was looking for. She gloats. I fume.
Then I retreat and regroup.
The Rogue Goddess saw shadows dancing at 2:03 PM
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